


always running (back to you)

by ineedmygirl



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 5 Times, Aged-Up Character(s), Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Tsukishima Kei, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Third Gym Squad - Freeform, Tokyo Training Camp, Top Kuroo Tetsurou, happy ending: unlocked, kuroo is so painfully in love, timeskips for days, we love tsukishima character growth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-25 16:13:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 35,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22498879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineedmygirl/pseuds/ineedmygirl
Summary: “Why are you looking at me like that?” He whispered.“I’m not looking at you like anything,” Kuroo replied, because Tsukishima was only fifteen, and he was already the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his entire life. But he wasonly fifteen,and there was still so much he didn’t know about love and lust and life, and Kuroo wouldn’t spoil this for him.Or, the five times Kuroo let Tsukishima walk away (and the one time he didn’t).
Relationships: Futakuchi Kenji/Tsukishima Kei, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, side Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, side Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 418
Kudos: 1917
Collections: My beloved stories, The Heartbreak Is Worth It, best fanfictions my eyes have seen yeah





	1. i.

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is my first haikyuu fic ever!! i just love kurotsukki so much i couldn't resist :') 
> 
> i'm going to be posting each part of the 5+1 times as its own chapter, but the whole thing is already written so don't fear! also, the rating/tags will change with later chapters so make sure u pay attention if there r certain things ur uncomfortable with
> 
> pls enjoy
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)  
> [moodboard](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie/status/1227087188367749120)

The problem was, the way Kuroo saw it, that he held onto things. He got lucky enough to stumble across things in life that he cared deeply about, and he held them tight in the cage of his heart with no intention of ever letting them go.

The trouble with this, was that from the moment he laid eyes on Tsukishima Kei under the fluorescent gymnasium lights, intelligent gaze bored yet sharp, stance relaxed but fingers twitching, _aching_ to do something more, Kuroo knew that he wasn’t something ever meant to be caged. Tsukishima was flighty and beautiful, like some exotic bird, and he was meant for the world. To keep him for himself would be selfish of Kuroo. Tsukishima was meant for the world.

And so, when Tsukishima walked away, no matter how much every cell in Kuroo’s body fought to chase after him, he refrained.

Until he didn’t.

Or, the five times Kuroo let Tsukishima walk away (and the one time he didn’t).

**i.**

Fate was truly cruel to introduce Tsukishima Kei into Kuroo’s life when he was only fifteen years old.

“I’m gonna go help the first years clean up.” Despite saying it as casually as he possibly could, both Bokuto and Akaashi’s heads snapped up to look at Kuroo like he’d just told them he was thinking about shaving his head and moving to Antarctica.

“You?” Akaashi said, eyebrows arched to the high heavens. Bokuto’s expression matched Akaashi’s level of skepticism with his own pure shock.

“Why the heck would you do that, man?”

Kuroo shrugged, pointedly keeping his eyes fixed on his friends in front of him and not letting them stray across the gym.

“Just feel bad that it’s getting so late and they gotta do it themselves.”

At that, the two Fukurodani players shared a look. Or, more accurately, A Look - proper noun. The exchanging of glances that went on between Akaashi and Bokuto had its very own name, that’s how often and distinguished of an action it was. No matter how hard Kuroo tried over the years, he’d never quite been able to crack the code, and was usually left standing there, out of the loop, like the only kid whose tin can-phone wasn’t connected to the string.

“But you hate cleaning up,” Bokuto pointed out needlessly, because anyone who had ever met him knew Kuroo hated cleaning. “Besides, we already put in our time when we were first years, it’s their turn now!”

“Or, we could be good upperclassmen and encourage a sense of bonding and community with the first years by helping them. Out of the sheer goodness of our hearts.”

Shit. It was too much, and Kuroo internally winced at the last sentence that left his mouth, knowing just as well as his friends did that it was over the top, even for him. Bokuto looked just as skeptical as Akaashi now, and Kuroo forced himself to levelly meet the setter’s analytical stare.

During a game, being analyzed by Akaashi was unsettling. Off the court, being analyzed by Akaashi was downright terrifying.

_Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look, don’t look._

But ah, Kuroo was nothing if not a weak man for a certain blonde Karasuno first year.

Breaking Akaashi’s gaze, and effectively losing their staring match, Kuroo couldn’t help but glance over at the other side of the gym where the first years were cleaning up. The shorty with the bright orange hair and his taller, grumpier looking friend were racing each other around the gym, in an apparent attempt to collect more volleyballs than the other. A few Fukurodani first years were collecting stray water bottles, and Lev was zig-zagging across the court with a long broom in each hand, nearly knocking some of the other first years off their feet.

All of that was just background noise, however. Barely even registered as Kuroo’s eyes locked directly onto the net. Or rather, the tall, coltish blonde attempting to take it down. He was frowning, eyebrows drawn together behind thick black glasses frames, as he tried to untie the damn thing and got his fingers tangled over and over again. His freckled friend was on the other side of the net, barely concealed snickering as he easily undid the ties on his side.

“The goodness of our hearts, huh?” Akaashi’s voice breaks Kuroo out of his trance. “I don’t know about you, Bokuto-san, but my heart isn’t telling _me_ to try and get in a first year’s pants. Is yours?”

Bokuto barked out a quick laugh, and Kuroo felt his face flooding with heat, his chest tightening with something uncomfortable.

It was Akaashi’s words. The phrasing he chose to use. It sounded so vulgar, so shallow when he said it like that. In all honesty, Kuroo has no interest in sleeping with Tsukishima (not any time in the near future, anyways). Sex might be actually be the furthest thing from his mind when he thinks about the younger boy.

Tsukishima was beautiful, of course he was. Alluring as all hell in his unrefined, raw way of being.

But for the time being, Kuroo just wanted to be near him. He was drawn to him, wanted to know more about him, wanted Tsukishima to let Kuroo into his planetary orbit.

As if he can read Kuroo’s mind, or maybe his pure affections are written that clearly across his face, Akaashi’s eyes softened.

“We’re gonna head to dinner, but you’re more than welcome to go ‘bond’ with the first years on your own.”

In a weird way, this actually worked in Kuroo’s favor. The last thing he needed while trying to get the reclusive Tsukishima to open up to him was Bokuto perched over his shoulder, scaring the blonde away with his sheer volume and lack of any and all social tact (though Kuroo does love him anyways).

“Yeah, alright, just don’t come crying to me when your team’s first years form a mutiny and overthrow you tyrants.”

Kuroo tried not to be too obvious about how anxious he was for his friends to leave now, but his feet had already started backing up towards the other side of the gym, like his own body, independent from his mind, couldn’t stay away from Tsukishima any longer.

“Hey! Our first years love us!” Bokuto protested, offended.

“They’re intimidated by and respect us,” Akaashi corrected, tone lacking any discernible bite to it, as it always did when he addressed Bokuto. The ace whined, as _he_ always did, throwing himself dramatically into Akaashi’s arms. Impressively, the shorter boy didn’t even falter under Bokuto’s dense weight, simply dragging him along towards the door.

Exhaling in relief, Kuroo started to turn, but was stopped by Akaashi’s voice again. Just one word, but serious and full of enough warning to make him halt in his tracks.

“Careful.”

The pair were gone before Kuroo even had a breath to defend himself. He knew Akaashi was fond of Tsukishima, he’d seen them talking quietly on the sidelines and on breaks between games together. It made sense, they both tended to migrate to the margins when everyone else got too chaotic (which was most of the time). But to think, Akaashi would be protective of Tsukishima when it came to _Kuroo_ stung just a bit.

To think Kuroo would ever try to hurt Tsukishima in any conceivable way was just ridiculous.

Shaking off the slight burn, promising himself he’d talk to Akaashi later that night and convince him that he had nothing to worry about when it came to his interest in Tsukishima, he let his body finally take him where it wanted to go.

“Need some help there, Specs?” Kuroo strolled over casually, using the silly nickname as if he hadn’t had the name _Tsukishima Kei_ tattooed on his brain ever since their first practice match against each other. “The net doesn’t usually fight back so hard. You must have really pissed it off.”

Kuroo had to remind his lungs very sternly to keep breathing when Tsukishima looked up at him with confusion and annoyance and the slightest flicker of interest.

“It’s Tsukishima,” he said before anything else, like he always did when Kuroo pretended to forget his name. “And I’ve got it, thanks.” He tacks the last word onto the end, almost as an afterthought, unwaveringly polite even when Kuroo can see the desire to bite back pounding at the back of his grit teeth.

“We’d be done a lot faster if you let him help you,” a new voice chimed in.

Kuroo pointed at Freckles (Yama-something?) when he spoke up, not taking his eyes off Tsukishima, as if to say, _See, he agrees and you trust him, don’t you?_

“Sorry, Tsukki,” Freckles said with an apologetic shrug. “I’m getting kind of hungry, and you’ve been working at that knot for a few minutes now…”

Tsukishima shot his friend an icy glare that probably would have shattered any other man into a million pieces, but Freckles must have been used to it, because he just shrugged again, successfully finishing with his side of the net and letting it fall to the ground.

“Well, this is more of a two-man job, so I’ll leave you to it. I’ll save you a seat at dinner, Tsukki!”

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima hissed in a low warning. Right, _that_ was his name. “What are you -“

“Thanks for helping Tsukki out!” Yamaguchi bowed quickly and politely to Kuroo, before waving goodbye to his friend and practically sprinting across the gym. Kuroo decided he quite liked that kid after all.

Because now, he was _alone_ with Tsukishima. Well, as alone as they could have possibly gotten at a training camp full of loud, adrenaline-fueled high school boys. There were still the accompanying dull thuds of volleyballs bounding on the ground, and indignant squawks as Lev knocked people off their feet, and people could certainly still see them standing there together.

But he had Tsukishima’s full attention now. Well, him and the net.

“I think you’re making it worse,” Kuroo said, voice quieter as he stood closer to Tsukishima. The blonde’s back was to him, still facing the net, but Kuroo swore he saw him tense up when he noticed how close Kuroo had gotten from the sound of his voice.

“It’s almost out,” Tsukishima grit out, even as his fingers wound impossibly further into the knot. How such long, elegant fingers could make such a horrendous mess out of something, Kuroo had no idea, but he found it terribly endearing, nonetheless. 

Approaching from the side to make sure the blonde saw him coming and wouldn’t be startled, Kuroo reached up and gently began to untangle Tsukishima’s fingers from the net. The younger boy huffed, warm breath hitting the side of Kuroo’s face, and he had to focus very hard on the task at hand to keep himself from sinking right to the ground.

“This looks serious,” Kuroo clucked his tongue, freeing Tsukishima’s fingers one at a time. “We might have to surgically detach you from the net. Could lose a couple fingers. Wouldn’t be much of a middle blocker with only your thumbs, would you?”

Tsukishima made a tiny sound that could have almost been qualified as an amused laugh.

“I’d still be better than you.”

He froze as soon as the words left his mouth, like he hadn’t meant to say them, and Kuroo couldn’t hold back his laughter. It was one of the most impromptu responses he’d ever gotten from the blonde.

“Give it a few more months, then we’ll see,” Kuroo teased. It was as much of a promise that he knew Tsukishima would keep getting better as it was a promise that they’d play each other again one day. In a more official setting, he hoped. Though if he couldn’t go to Nationals, he hoped at least Tsukishima would.

“I was kidding, obviously,” Tsukishima grumbled. Kuroo had to fight to keep looking at the tangled mess of his fingers in the net and not at his face, which he was sure was prettily flushed, just the tiniest bit. “I could practice for years and still not be as good as - I mean, you’re just naturally - I clearly acknowledge your skill as a blocker, that’s all I mean.”

Oh man. He was totally blushing now and Kuroo was missing it.

Instead, he focused on the final few digits that needed freeing, noting the little pink lines pressed into the skin of Tsukishima’s fingers, forcing himself not to soothe them with his lips.

“Was that - “ Kuroo gasped dramatically. “Was that a _compliment,_ Tsukki?”

“It’s Tsukishima.”

“Freckles calls you Tsukki.”

“Yamaguchi is my friend, and I don’t even like it when he does it.”

“I could be your friend, too, y’know.”

“That’s - What.”

Just then, Kuroo frees the last of Tsukishima’s fingers from the net completely, and the blonde staggers back a step. Kuroo finally allows himself a look at Tsukishima’s face, and wants to cry a little bit at the bold shock and confusion on his face. As if he simply can’t believe someone would have any interest in being his friend without some kind of motive.

Has anyone ever offered it so outright to him like this? Or was he more used to circumstantial friends, who seamlessly transitioned without him even noticing? 

“I left my dictionary in my other volleyball shorts, but I’m sure you can figure out the definition of ‘friend’ using context clues here. You’re the smart one, aren’t you?” Kuroo smirked, leaning back and giving Tsukishima more space, even though all he wanted was to crowd closer to him until there was no space left.

“Kageyama’s the genius, actually,” Tsukishima said, still looking dazed, like he hadn’t processed Kuroo’s request fully yet. Like he hadn’t processed Kuroo as a _person_ fully yet. Which, yeah. Understandable.

“Semantics.” Kuroo waved him off. “You still haven’t answered my question.”

“You haven’t asked me a question.” Tsukishima frowned.

“The question was implied,” Kuroo huffed fondly. Too fondly for someone he’d barely had three conversations with before. Christ, this kid was doing things to him. “Friends.” Kuroo gestured between them. “Me and you. What do you say?”

“Why?” Tsukishima blurted out, eyes wide and guarded behind their frames. The glass guarding him, and magnifying his naked emotions a hundredfold all at once.

“Hm.” Kuroo hummed, busying himself with finishing taking the net down and rolling it up. He needed the extra time it gave him to keep from telling Tsukishima every endeared, golden-threaded thought he had about the younger boy. Standing and handing him the net, decidedly not melting when their arms brushed, Kuroo said, “Why not?”

Tsukishima’s arms tightened around the net, lips pursing together and round amber eyes darting away, back to Kuroo and away again. He wasn’t taking this lightly, which Kuroo appreciated. Tsukishima didn’t do anything lightly, really. Didn’t say or do anything without thinking it over carefully, turning it over and looking at it from every direction in his head.

Kuroo had no idea how Tsukishima didn’t see that he was just as much of a genius as Kageyama in his own right. It was clear as day to him, though Kuroo might be a bit biased.

“I guess…” Tsukishima finally said slowly, and Kuroo held his breath, “You can’t possibly be any more annoying than the other people I’m forced to interact with on a regular basis.”

As if on cue, there was a loud crashing sound from the direction of the supply closet.

“Ouch, ouch, ouch! Get it off of me!”

“That was your own fault, idiot!”

“Who cares, just help me move it before it crushes my spine, you dick!”

Undeniably, Hinata and Kageyama’s voices shouting. The entire camp had gotten pretty accustomed to what they sounded like when they were arguing, seeing as how they did it loud enough to be heard clear across Tokyo every goddamned day.

Still, it’s hard for Kuroo to notice anything else when -

“Is that a yes?” He barely contained his grin, forcing himself to shape it into a confident smirk, as if he had been sure Tsukishima would say yes all along instead of being nauseous at the mere thought that he’d say no.

To his surprise, Tsukishima grinned back at him, but it was sharp and a little dangerous and Kuroo wouldn’t mind if it was the last thing he saw before he died.

“Sure. So, _friend,_ you won’t mind finishing up and putting the rest of this away for me, would you? It’s getting late and Yamaguchi is waiting for me. Since we’re friends now, and all.” He thrust the net right back into Kuroo’s arms, eyes dancing with mischief.

Kuroo was getting played. He was getting played so _good._

“Alright, I’ll finish putting the net away, but you have to make a deal with me.”

Tsukishima cocked his head to the side. _Adorable._

“A deal, huh? Should I have a lawyer present for this? You seem awfully serious.”

Kuroo laughed, pleased that Tsukishima had already cracked open just enough to let a joke slip through.

“Official documents are still pending, but I’d accept a verbal agreement. You seem like a man of your word, Tsukki.”

“Tsukishima.”

“Semantics,” Kuroo repeated, waving him off again. Instead of looking annoyed, Tsukishima looked the slightest bit amused, which Kuroo took as a positive enough reaction to move forward. “I’ll finish cleaning up for you, if you agree to practice with me later.”

“What good would that be?” Tsukishima asked with a frown, not unhappy, just not understanding. “We’re both blockers.”

“But Bokuto and Akaashi aren’t.”

“You can’t expect me to make a deal with you when you’re withholding information from me.”

Kuroo laughed again, because it was just so easy with Tsukishima.

“Alright, okay, you got me. Here are the explicit terms of the deal: I, Kuroo Tetsurou, will finish putting this net away for you on the condition that you, Tsukishima Kei -“

“How do you know my first name?”

“- will agree to come practice with me, Bokuto, and Akaashi in the third gymnasium after dinner.” He finished, pointedly ignoring Tsukishima’s question.

_Because I heard it once and never forgot it._

Tsukishima hesitated, front teeth biting into his rose petal pink bottom lip.

“I don’t see what benefit there would be to that. I’m just a mediocre first year blocker, and the three of you are some of the most skilled players at this camp, possibly even in the country. I’d only hold you back.”

The way he said it was so factual and detached, it was like he wasn’t even talking about himself at all.

Kuroo hated it. The ease with which Tsukishima so logically tore himself down. He was brilliant, easily one of the most naturally gifted players Kuroo had ever seen, and he’d seen a lot of them. He had the perfect build ( _perfect, really perfect_ ) and incredible instincts. Tsukishima’s only weakness as a player, in Kuroo’s opinion, was the way he doubted himself. He didn’t try as hard as he could because he didn’t think it would make a difference. 

Kuroo wanted nothing more than to prove him wrong.

“Even if you _were_ mediocre - which I don’t think you are, so don’t sell yourself short - wouldn’t you want to practice with such strong players? Y’know, to get better? If you’re not happy with your abilities now, doing exactly what you’ve been doing before isn’t going to make you any better.”

Tsukishima blinked at him, some of the moonlight streaming in through the gymnasium’s windows casting a half crescent of light across one side of his smooth, pale face, washing him in an ethereal glow.

“I suppose that’s true,” he admitted, and Kuroo took a second to remember what it was he actually said, so distracted by the gold flecks he just noticed in Tsukishima’s eyes that he had forgotten.

“Of course it’s true, I’m your wise upperclassman and I said it! Anyways, it’s no fun practicing with just one blocker. It’s not exactly a challenge for one of the top five spikers in the country to get past little ol’ me all by myself, so it’s pretty much a waste of time for Bokuto.”

“I hardly see how that’s my problem,” Tsukishima said, but Kuroo could tell he was wearing the blonde down.

“Ah, but don’t you see? The two of us blocking together could shut him down and shut that owl right up. You’d like that, wouldn't you?”

The last resistance bled out of Tsukishima’s eyes, out of the stiffness in his shoulders, and he smirked, making Kuroo’s heart do all kinds of Olympic medal-winning flips. If there was one thing Kuroo could count on, it was Tsukishima’s sadistic passion for shutting anyone up.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” He grinned, eyes flashing and stealing all the air out of Kuroo’s lungs.

It wasn’t until Tsukishima was already halfway across the gym that Kuroo realized he still hadn’t moved and was still standing there with a stupid grin on his face and a bundle of net clutched to his chest. The first year didn’t even turn back to look at him, waving a hand lazily in the air as he called back.

“Better hurry and finish cleaning up or there won’t be any food left by the time you make it to the cafeteria.”

Then, when he made it through the doorway, he finally stopped and did turn back. The moon was backlighting him, so that all Kuroo could see was the shadowy gleam of his precious metal eyes and the silhouette of his long, lean body and blonde waves framing his face.

He was so caught up in the sight that he almost missed the final word Tsukishima tossed his way.

_”Friend.”_

The word was obviously meant to be taunting, but it was too gentle around the edges to be anything but warm.

Nothing could bring Kuroo’s mood down after that, not even the fact that he had to wrangle the net and the poles back into the closet, or Kageyama and Hinata’s loud bickering, or Lev nearly tripping him not once, not twice, but _three times._ All he could think about was Tsukishima, and what he was doing now, if Yamaguchi was making sure he got enough to eat, if he would really show up that night for extra practice. There was so much to the blonde, so many more layers that Kuroo wanted explore, to know more about. It made his heart jittery, his stomach flutter like a little kid on Christmas. 

Tsukishima made him excited for something again, for the first time in what felt like a very long while.

It was as he was walking towards the cafeteria, the summer night air sticking to his sweaty skin, that he realized it.

 _Oh._

Akaashi hadn't been warning Kuroo to be careful _with_ Tsukishima.

He had been warning Kuroo to be careful _of_ Tsukishima.

Ignoring the concerned looks he got from a few stray first years walking past him, Kuroo stopped dead in the middle of the walkway, doubled over clutching his stomach, and began to laugh hysterically.

_Tsukishima Kei, I’d enjoy every second of having my heart broken by you._

*

The first time Kuroo had to watch Tsukishima walk away was arguably the hardest.

_Let go, let go, you have to let go, you can’t keep him, you have to let him go._

The words were playing over and over in Kuroo’s mind like a mantra, but his it didn’t stop his heart from wanting to reach out and grab, and take, and keep locked away forever.

But Tsukishima wasn’t Kuroo’s to take.

It was the last day of training camp, and all of the teams were gathered around to send Karasuno off, back home on their bus to Miyagi. They were all here to say their goodbyes, and Kuroo couldn't help but selfishly feel like he had it so much worse than the rest of them. So much worse than Tanaka and Yamamoto, who had tears streaming down their faces, or Lev and Kenma, who both looked mournful at letting Hinata go, or even Akaashi and Bokuto who were currently fussing over a blushing Tsukishima. He had it worse than any of them, because Kuroo felt like a piece of his heart was being ripped out of his chest and torn hundreds of miles away from him.

It hurt. Losing Tsukishima _hurt._

Kuroo hadn’t thought it could possibly hurt any more, but he had been wrong.

It’s not like he’d been expecting some special goodbye from Tsukishima, he knew the blonde was stingy with affection, especially in front of crowds, but they had spent practically every night this week practicing together, late into the night until their bones were molten lava and couldn’t possibly hold them up a second longer. Until there were no sounds but their heavy breathing filling the silence of the gym, both of them sprawled out on their backs just a few feet away from each other, so close that sometimes their longs limbs overlapped, both of them too dead tired to do anything about. And no matter how exhausted he was, every night Kuroo would walk Tsukishima back to Karasuno’s dorms, insisting that he’d be a terrible mentor if he let the first year walk back alone in the dark. 

They’d part ways with Bokuto and Akaashi, and in the quiet left behind, things were easy. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they didn’t. Sometimes Tsukishima listened to music alone, sometimes he offered Kuroo an earphone. One time, Hinata walked back with them, and they took turns trying to outdo each other in riling the shorter boy up.

Still, Kuroo thought he'd get nothing more than a generic wave out the window from the blonde as the bus pulled away, and he’d be perfectly content with that. In a way, it would make things easier. Make it harder for Kuroo to cling on in those final moments.

As with most things involving Tsukishima, they didn’t go according to plan.

When Tsukishima climbed onto the bus, duffel bag in hand, Kuroo thought that was it. But then, Tsukishima walked back off the bus, sans his duffel bag this time, and walked right up to Kuroo. Right in front of his team, in front of Kuroo’s team, in front of everyone.

“Kuroo-san,” Tsukishima began, steadfastly keeping his gaze locked with Kuroo’s, refusing to acknowledge the curious looks around them.

“You know that just Kuroo is fine,” he corrected reflexively. Tsukishima rolled his eyes and started again, looking a little less nervous this time.

“Kuroo… Thank you. For everything.”

The whole world stopped around Kuroo in that moment. There was no sound, no color, no trees or birds or, or _gravity._ There was literally nothing else in existence, nothing physical or abstract, but him and Tsukishima, with his hushed and honest words, so sweet and sincere and completely unexpected that they cut into Kuroo like a blade.

“Ah, jeez, you don’t have to do that.” Kuroo laughed through his desert dry throat, smiling so he wouldn’t break down in tears. “I didn’t do anything - “

“You did, though.” Tsukishima insisted stubbornly, nearly pouting in a way that was all too cute for a six-foot-something high schooler. “I’m a much stronger blocker now because of you, and even though I can’t say I totally love it yet, I understand why people love volleyball so much now. And maybe one day I still might. My moment might come - “

_It will, I know it will, you’re too special for it not to._

“And I - I thought this training camp would be a total waste of my time, but it wasn’t because of you, and Bokuto-san, and Akaashi-senpai. And I never would have met them or trained with them if it wasn’t - if it wasn’t for you. Being…my friend.”

_Shit. This is so unfair._

Kuroo was only human. He was just a man, how could he be expected to stay so strong in the face of something like that?

He knew how much it must have taken for Tsukishima to admit all of that, to go against all of his guarded instincts and let Kuroo know how much he appreciated him. The same way he’d been forcing himself to go against his nature and do extra training in the third gym all week long. It was dizzying, the combined effect of Tsukishima’s words, the loss of oxygen getting to Kuroo’s brain, and the sun setting just perfectly so that Tsukishima’s eyes looked like endless pools of molten gold.

He must have been staring too long, because the next thing he knew, Tsukishima’s determined and wary expression was morphing into something more vulnerable. Unsure, but… But hopeful.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He whispered.

“I’m not looking at you like anything,” Kuroo replied, because Tsukishima was only fifteen, and he was already the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his entire life. But he was _only fifteen,_ and there was still so much he didn’t know about love and lust and life, and Kuroo wouldn’t spoil this for him.

Tsukishima’s lovely features fell, almost imperceptibly at the response. Like he was waiting for something more. 

_Don’t. Don’t do this to me._

“Is that all there is?”

“Yeah,” Kuroo forced himself to smile, lifting one shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. “That’s all there is.”

_That’s not all. There’s so much more. There’s so much more, but I can’t put it all on you now._

Ruffling the blonde’s hair, because he knew it would drive him crazy, Kuroo grinned more sincerely. “Don’t go missing me too much, kid. I’ll be seeing you real soon.”

“You will?” Tsukishima asked, angrily combing his hair back into place, eyebrow raised in confusion. Kuroo pointed his thumb at his chest, beaming confidently.

“At Nationals, of course.”

And he didn’t cry when Tsukishima turned and walked away without another word, with hard eyes and his heart just a little more guarded, because Tsukishima didn’t know it yet, but Kuroo was setting him free.


	2. ii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Tsukki,” Kuroo made sure to smile his most charming smile as he swallowed his heart back into his chest. “Ya miss me?”
> 
> “Kuroo-san,” Tsukishima said slowly, as if his lips were relearning the shape, the taste of Kuroo’s name. It sent a shiver down his spine. “What are you doing here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg everyone's kind words on the first chapter made me so happy, pls accept ch.2 as a token of my eternal gratitude :')
> 
>   
> [moodboard](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie/status/1228825941734043654?s=20)  
>  [twitter](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)

**ii.**

**From: Bokuto**

_hey hey bro!! i heard youre going to the tokyo training camp next week??_

**From: Me**

_yeahhh the old man said he was getting too old for it so he asked me to come help out_

**From: Bokuto**

_uh huh, suuuuure he did ;)_

**From: Me**

_????_

**From: Bokuto**

_tell tsukki i said hi and give him a big smooch for me!!!!!_

*

What he told Bokuto hadn’t exactly been a _lie._ Coach Nekomata really did ask Kuroo to come help out at the Tokyo training camp for a week, and since Kuroo’s college was on break and he didn’t have any classes, he happily agreed.

The part of the story he left out, however, was the fact that Kuroo approached his old coach first, offering to come along before the old man even asked.

It wasn’t because of Tsukishima. It had nothing to do with the fact that he hadn’t seen Tsukishima in two years, since they met at Nationals back when Kuroo was still a third year, and he was aching to see the blonde again so badly it plagued his dreams.

They’d been in touch since then, a few texts here and there, but not enough. Never enough. Seeing some pixelated words on a tiny phone screen was nothing compared to getting the real thing.

He was nervous. Fuck was he ever nervous. Kuroo couldn’t remember ever being as nervous in his life as he was coming back to training camp, knowing Tsukishima would be there, too. Would he be happy to see him? Annoyed? Would he realize Kuroo had just come to see him and find his presence horribly creepy? Would he even recognize Kuroo at all?

All of that worrying turned out to be useless, because the moment Kuroo’s eyes met Tsukishima’s, every thought in his head flew right out the window.

Seventeen suited Tsukishima.

It suited him even better than fifteen, though Kuroo had no idea how that was even humanly possible. He had grown only maybe a centimeter or two more, Kuroo suspected he wouldn’t get much taller than he already had been, but there was something distinctly older about him. Maybe it was the way his blonde curls reached all the way down to the nape of his neck and skimmed the tops of his glasses now, or the way that bratty, haughty tilt of his chin had turned into something much more stoic and proud. Maybe it was simply the cut of his jaw, or the way he held his shoulders.

Whatever it was, it drove Kuroo absolutely mad the second he saw Tsukishima.

The blonde’s eyes widened, so shocked that he forgot to throw up his guard for half a second and Kuroo could see it; the excitement, the uncertainty.

“Hey Tsukki,” Kuroo made sure to smile his most charming smile as he swallowed his heart back into his chest. “Ya miss me?”

“Kuroo-san,” Tsukishima said slowly, as if his lips were relearning the shape, the taste of Kuroo’s name. It sent a shiver down his spine. “What are you doing here?”

“I was in town.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, the familiar gesture something Kuroo would never tire of. “Seriously?”

“Nah, but wouldn’t that be a coincidence? Like fate, eh Tsukki?”

The blush that light teasing earned him was worth a hundred - a thousand - a _million_ bus rides out of the city.

“If you believe in that sort of thing, I guess.” Tsukishima scoffed, eyes darting away from Kuroo persistently.

_I do. I believe in everything when it comes to you._

The rest of the Karasuno team was starting to take notice of them now, and even the Nekoma players looked interested in the pair’s interaction. They did make an odd couple, Kuroo supposed. The current Karasuno vice-captain and some wild-haired man who seemingly didn’t belong here at all. But the people who _did_ know who he was found it most interesting of all.

“Kuroo-san! We didn’t expect to see you back this year!” Yamaguchi ran up to Tsukishima’s side, putting an arm around his shoulders and smiling that unwaveringly bright smile of his. He had changed, too, it appeared. Hair long enough that it was tied back into a ponytail at the base of his neck, shoulders and chest almost broader than Tsukishima’s now. A few new freckles here and there. Despite the outward changes, Kuroo was pleased to see the friends were otherwise unchanged, still as close as ever. If anyone but Yamaguchi had put his arm around him, Kuroo is sure Tsukishima would have broken it.

“Old man Nekomata asked me to come along and help whip the new team into shape, since I have time off of classes right now. Can’t have the future generation thinking Karasuno is better than us or anything,” Kuroo explained with a sharp grin. The other two’s expressions changed instantly, settling into something more intense. Game faces.

There hadn’t been any hard feelings when Karasuno beat them at Nationals two years ago. Of course, Kuroo and the other third years had been disappointed that they wouldn’t be playing in any more games, but if someone had to beat them, it was a small mercy that it would be Karasuno. 

Besides, Kuroo always thought if it couldn’t be him, he’d want it to be Tsukishima who rose to the top.

And rise, he did.

“If Nekoma wants the title back, they can go ahead and try to take it from us,” Yamaguchi declared, arms crossing over his chest. Confident and determined, only fitting of the new captain. Beside him, Tsukishima smirked proudly, one hand settling on his hip as he cocked it out to the side.

“Though history does have a habit of repeating itself, don’t you think, Kuroo-san?” The blonde asked coyly, lashes lowered like he held every single one of Kuroo’s weaknesses in the palm of his hand.

Which he kind of did.

_Damnit. That’s playing dirty._

“We’ll see about that. Just wait until I’ve had a week to train them, Nekoma will come back better than they’ve ever been before!”

“Better than you were?” Tsukishima asked, and Yamaguchi snickered behind his hand, but Kuroo could hear the genuineness in the question.

His lips uncoiled into a slow, lazy grin.

“That’s what happened when I trained you, wasn’t it?”

Yamaguchi stopped laughing real fast, eyes widening and darting between Kuroo and Tsukishima at a rapid pace. Like he could see something there. Something he hadn't before.

Tsukishima, for his part, was valiantly fighting a blush that blazed across his cheeks like a wildfire. It was captivating to watch the blonde lose his composure and drop his gaze, tilting his chin away so that his long hair hid some of his expression from view.

“Shut up, that’s not what happened at all. One-on-one, I’m still nowhere near your skill level.”

Ah. There it was again. So grown and lovely on the outside, but still with those same ugly thoughts hidden in that pretty head of his.

“That’s not true, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi butt-in stubbornly. “You’ve gotten -“

“Tsukishima-senpai!”

“Captain!”

“Don’t listen to them! I never said that you were - Oh? Kuroo-san?”

Two first years decked out in Karasuno’s training garb and none other than Hinata Shoyou himself were hurtling across the gym towards them at top speed, and before Kuroo could even process it, their tiny group had doubled in size and quadrupled in volume. One of the first years was short and blonde - not sunflower-blonde like Tsukishima, but something duller, more sandy - and the other had dark hair with purple streaks. Tall, he noted approvingly.

“Hey, Shorty. How ya been?” Kuroo smiled. He was always fond of Hinata’s energy and spirit, even if it did come in a package that was sometimes a little too enthusiastic. It was hard not to be fond of people like that with someone like Bokuto as a best friend.

Hinata’s eyes widened and glittered like the surface of clear water in direct sunlight, clearly still not having grown out of his admiration of Kuroo in the years since Nationals. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t make him puff up a little in pride, especially when he caught Tsukishima sighing in exasperation.

“Oh man, this is so great!” Hinata turned to the first years, gesturing wildly at Kuroo. “Do you guys have any idea who this is?” In unison, the two shook their heads, staring at Kuroo with wide-eyed curiosity. “He used to be the captain of Nekoma back when we were all first years and our teams’ rivalry really got heated again! He’s one of the best players we’ve ever faced!”

“Woah!”

“No way!”

Yamaguchi leaned in, faux whispering loud enough for everyone to hear: “Kuroo-san is the one who taught Tsukki how to block, you know?”

Kuroo was sure his blush was just as bad, if not worse than Tsukishima’s at that point.

“Now, now, you guys don’t have to exaggerate -“

“Will you teach me how to block, too?” The first year with the purple streaks blurted out, surprising Kuroo a little with his boldness.

“Oh, ah, I -“

“He’s here to train Nekoma, not you,” Tsukishima drawled, fixing the kid with a level stare. “Why didn’t you just ask me to teach you if you wanted to learn blocking?”

The kid’s face went so dark, it nearly matched the color of his hair streaks. He took a step back, raising his hands and shaking his head so fast, it must have rattled out a few brain cells.

“N-No, it’s not - Not because I don’t think you’re good, Tsukishima-senpai! You’re the best blocker, it’s just - ah - well - “

“He’s terrified of you,” the blonde first year pointed out happily, earning a smack on the shoulder from his friend.

Kuroo had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing out loud at the expression on Tsukishima’s face. Yamaguchi and Hinata clearly had no such issue, and proceeded to burst out laughing, clutching at their stomachs and knocking each other to the ground with the force of it.

Tsukishima looked, to put it plainly, horrified.

It was funny how he didn’t see it. How effortlessly intimidating he was. Anyone in their right mind would be terrified of him (which Yamaguchi and Hinata clearly were not). It wasn’t that Tsukishima was mean (though he did have an amusing streak of cruelty when he felt like it), it was that just by looking at the guy, there wasn’t a single discernible flaw. He was smart, talented, had natural instincts to die for. Not to mention, that face and those _legs…_

If Kuroo were a first year on Karasuno’s team, he’d be scared, too. Hell, Kuroo wasn’t even in _high school_ anymore and he was still scared of Tsukishima, though for very different reasons…

“That’s - That’s not true! I just, um, I’m not very good at blocking right now,” the kid muttered, scuffing his tennis shoe against the floor. “And you're the best at it, so I didn’t want you to see and think I wasn’t good enough!”

“Itsuo,” Yamaguchi began gently, clearly used to the position of comforter on the team. The captain, the one who reassured other players when they felt down. 

It wasn’t really Tsukishima’s vibe, or so Kuroo thought.

“Of course you’re not good at it.” Tsukishima tilted his chin up and regarded the cowering first year carefully.

“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi sighed.

“You haven’t properly trained yet. You’ve probably just been trying to get better on your own because you’re embarrassed of letting someone else see you at your weak point, haven’t you?”

Kuroo held his breath.

“I - I - “ Itsuo stammered, staring down at his feet. He looked up quickly when Tsukishima surprised them all by placing a firm hand on the boy’s shoulder.

“There’s no growth without vulnerability, Itsuo. You don’t get better by doing the same things over and over again.” Tsukishima jerked a thumb in Kuroo’s direction. “He taught me that.”

“I - I did?” Kuroo asked, breathless even though he knew the answer. Remembered it all like it had just been yesterday.

Tsukishima turned and nodded, the tiniest flicker of a nostalgic smile gracing his face. He pointed across the gym to where one of the nets was set up.

“Mm. Right over there.”

It was as good a confession as any, coming from someone like Tsukishima. A confession of what, Kuroo didn’t know, but for the first time, whatever was going on between them didn’t feel so one-sided anymore. For a brief moment in time, their gazes locked solely on one another, sharing a memory that only they could, and Kuroo felt his heart beat twice.

Tsukishima remembered everything just as clearly as Kuroo did, held onto it all just as tightly.

“I’m sorry, senpai. Captain. I’ve been holding the whole team back because I was too scared.” Itsuo looked close to tears, even as his blonde friend patted him consolingly on the back. Tsukishima turned back to him, expression completely neutral to anyone who didn’t know him well enough. But to Kuroo, and to Yamaguchi, too, judging by his relieved sigh, it was full of tenderness.

Tsukishima probably didn’t always tell them with his words, but Kuroo had a feeling the blonde had stepped surprisingly comfortably into the role of vice-captain, and cared a lot about his team.

“No use in apologizing. I’ll just have to teach it to you now, then, won’t I?”

“Wha - Really, senpai??” Itsuo’s eyes went wide as the moon.

Tsukishima shrugged, as if it were nothing but a formality to him, though Kuroo knew it was much more. “After the practice matches during the day, I’ll teach you how to block at individual practice.”

_“You will?”_ Hinata shrieked, attracting attention from some kids nearby. “Y-You? Stingyshima? Are you sick or something?”

“Shut up!” Tsukishima growled, aiming what probably would have been a very painful kick to Hinata’s groin, if it hadn’t been stopped by Yamaguchi pushing him out of the way. “I can be nice to people, I just don’t like you!”

“So mean, Tsukishima!”

Kuroo laughed, not even bothering to hide it, and Tsukishima turned on him. Pointed a finger right in his face. 

“And you’re going to help, too.”

“Is that so?” Kuroo raised his eyebrows, drawing it out as if he wouldn't do anything Tsukishima asked. Anything to get more time with him.

Tsukishima nodded. “You’re a better blocker and teacher than me. Bring some players from Nekoma’s team, too. It’s easier to practice new things when you can simulate a variety of plays.”

“I figure I can wrangle a few volunteers for extra practice.” Kuroo agreed finally, tapping his chin thoughtfully. “As I recall, I have a certain knack for getting even the most unmotivated of players to put in some extra time.” He couldn’t resist teasing pointedly. Tsukishima pursed his lips, unamused.

“I can come, too!” The blonde first year offered, jumping in place.

“Me too!” Hinata shouted, jumping twice as high.

“I wouldn’t be much of a captain if I didn’t set a good example for my players,” Yamaguchi mused. “Count me in.”

“Hm,” Tsukishima hummed, clearly pleased. 

Their little powwow was suddenly broken up by the sound of sharp whistles coming from all the coaches as they called their players over, getting ready for the first round of practice matches. The two first years and Hinata took off immediately, while Yamaguchi hovered, waiting for Tsukishima who was still standing with Kuroo.

“Guess I’ll see you later, then?” Kuroo said, trying not to look too visibly upset at having to part ways with Tsukishima for even a second.

“Yeah,” Tsukishima said, a slow, half-smile forming. “I’ll meet you in the third gymnasium.”

And then he was gone, taking off after the rest of his team, leaving Kuroo with a heart beating so loud he was pretty sure the whole gymnasium could hear it.

The words echoed, so sweet and clear and full of promise in his head for the rest of the day. Would probably never stop. It really felt like he was back - With his Tsukishima in their place, as if no time at all had passed. Just as smitten and hopeless as he’d ever been.

_I’ll meet you anywhere you want me to for the rest of our lives._

*

The sun was just starting to set over the horizon, setting the whole landscape on fire, and Kuroo and Tsukishima could see it all from their spot at the very top of the tallest hill.

It probably would have been slightly more enjoyable of a view if Kuroo wasn’t doubled over, lungs burning and the taste of blood sharp in the back of his throat as he fought to catch his breath. Sweat dripping down his face, into his eyes, making his t-shirt stick uncomfortably to his body like a second skin, Kuroo didn’t know if he had ever been happier.

“This was…” Tsukishima gasped, just as short on air as Kuroo was, sitting with his head between his knees. “Probably not one of our better ideas.”

“What are you talking about?” Kuroo laughed, ignoring the aching in his thigh muscles as he dropped into the grass beside the blonde. “This was a great idea. One of our Top Five Best Ideas, easily.”

Tsukishima turned his head just enough to peek out and glare at Kuroo, though it lacked any heat.

Kuroo didn’t remember exactly how they ended up here, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t happy about it. It started with some dumb comment he made, trying to get a rise out of Tsukishima during one of Nekoma’s practice matches against Karasuno. Tsukishima had bitten back something about Kuroo being an “old man”, to which Kuroo responded that he could still “run circles” around Tsukishima. 

Or something to that effect.

Naturally, the only way to settle it was a race. Everyone else at the camp was thrilled by the challenge, having watched the two of them tease and bicker with each other from the sidelines all week long. They didn’t set any rules, no finishing point or even a prize for winning. They just drew a starting line on the pavement and started to run.

“I don’t even think I can name five of our ideas that have ever actually been good.” Tsukishima finally unwound his body, leaning his elbows back in the grass and tipping his head towards the sky. “Stopping. Stopping was a good idea, actually.”

Kuroo laughed, hoping Tsukishima didn’t notice how strangled the sound was, because it was all he could do in that moment.

With the sun’s final rays kissing his face, making his complexion and his pale blonde hair glow like they were being kissed by flames, glistening with sweat and features fully open and relaxed, Tsukishima had never been more beautiful.

One of Tsukishima’s Top Five Ethereal Beauty Moments. Easily.

You’d think that after some time, Kuroo would get used to it. The way Tsukishima made him lose his breath and _want_ so much he could cry.

But he didn’t. He probably never would.

“Kuroo-san,” Tsukishima started, eyes still closed. “Do you ever miss this?”

By ‘this’, Tsukishima obviously wasn’t referring to racing each other to the tops of hills and watching the sunset together, since they’d never done it before. Even though they were still doing it now, hadn’t even left yet, Kuroo missed it already.

No, Kuroo knew exactly what Tsukishima meant. 

The sounds of sneakers squeaking across linoleum floors and the dull thuds of volleyballs being spiked into the ground. The smell of fresh sweat clinging to your brow, the dull ache in your muscles every morning reminding you that you’d pushed yourself the day before, you’d done your best. Falling asleep with familiar bodies all around you, knowing in the morning you’d be doing the thing you love most again. Waking up with new ideas for plays imprinted on your cheek because you’d dozed off in the middle of planning them out on paper. Feeling without having to see your teammates behind you, constantly watching your back. The rush of euphoria when you won. Sharing your tears when you lost. Constantly being surrounded by your team, other teams, people who understood you and had the same blood running through their veins that you did.

All of it.

“Yeah,” Kuroo exhaled, just dramatically enough for Tsukishima’s eyes to open, looking over at him curiously. “I mean, how could I not miss it? They were some of the best years of my life, you know?”

“How do you deal with it? When you’re away at school, how do you…” Tsukishima seemed to be struggling to get the words out, though Kuroo couldn’t tell why.

This was just about volleyball, right?

“Ah, it was tricky at first. University didn’t feel like a home to me because I was only focusing on the things it was missing, instead of the new opportunities it offered me.”

“New _opportunities.”_ Tsukishima repeated, looking like the word left a bad taste in his mouth. Then, more seriously, “The things you were missing from before… Did you stop missing them?”

Looking back on it, Kuroo should have taken his time before answering. He should have taken closer note of the trembling at the edges of Tsukishima’s words, his honey-gold eyes trying to ask him so much more. _Begging_ Kuroo to understand without him having to say it.

Instead, Kuroo simply shrugged. “Sure. It gets easier over time. I just realized that when I go to school, I have to forget about everything else or it’ll only hold me back.”

The moment the words left his mouth, he knew they were the wrong ones.

Out of every single fucking word in the Japanese language, Kuroo had just strung together the worst possible combination of them.

It was back in an instant, Tsukishima’s guard. The hardened walls and icy perimeter. After spending a week successfully breaking through, Kuroo had just managed to earn himself a place on the outside of Tsukishima’s fortress wall all over again.

_History does have a habit of repeating itself, after all._

“Wait, no, that’s not what I meant!” Kuroo scrambled for the words, as Tsukishima quickly stood and brushed the grass from his pants, not meeting Kuroo’s eyes. “Don’t leave, Tsukki, I didn’t mean it like that. Please, let’s just forget that I -“

“Not all of us can just forget about things as easily as you, Kuroo-san.” Tsukishima’s words were like a winter blast, cold and unforgiving, knocking Kuroo right off his feet. He was frozen by it, terrified and unsure of what to do next as Tsukishima turned and gave Kuroo nothing but his back. “And that’s not my name.”

After almost a full week of letting Kuroo call him any name he wanted, this was the first time Tsukishima was correcting him.

That might be what stung the most.

Kuroo wanted to scream with air he didn’t have in his lungs, wanted to chase Tsukishima down that treacherous hill.

_Not you! I didn’t mean you, I could never forget about you, don’t you see? You’re special to me, you’re the exception to everything in my life._

It was all at once too late and too soon for such declarations, however. So Kuroo just watched him go, once again. Watched the sunset light him up in fiery golden hues, watched his muscles flexing beneath his thin t-shirt that stuck to his body, watched the hard line of his shoulders that never once fell.

Kuroo let him go, once more. Let his strong, prideful Tsukishima go, because even though he looked older and acted older, he was still only seventeen. Only seventeen, and getting lovelier every time Kuroo laid eyes on him, on the outside and the inside both. He had grown, but he still had so much growing left to do.

Karasuno would go to Nationals again, Kuroo was sure of it, and he hated that he wouldn’t be around to see it this time. There were probably scouts who had their eyes on Tsukishima since he was a first year, and he’d have his pick of top choice schools to play at. Even if he didn’t want to play, his grades were nearly perfect, and there would be no shortage of opportunities for him after graduation.

He’d keep growing and growing, the way only a wildflower left to grow free instead of trying to conform it to a flower pot could.

*

Kuroo was going to try and make it up to him the next day, but Tsukishima was nowhere to be found at breakfast.

He missed Karasuno’s first practice match of the day, and they ended up getting crushed by Fukurodani.

When Tsukishima didn’t show up at lunch break either, Kuroo approached the Karasuno table to find out what was going on.

“Hey, you guys know where Tsukki is? I haven’t been able to find him all day.”

Slowly, with a dark stare that Kuroo had never seen from the normally mild-mannered boy before, Yamaguchi looked up at him.

“He drove home late last night. Said he wasn’t feeling well.”

Kuroo felt the floor drop out from beneath him. It was then that he noticed it wasn’t just Yamaguchi glaring at him. He was on the receiving end of similar looks from pretty much the entire Karasuno table. The blonde first year he’d taught how to jump serve, and purple-streaked Itsuo. Kageyama and Hinata, and - Yup. The admiration in the shorter boy’s eyes had officially been snuffed out.

Ouch.

But still…

“Last night? That’s such a long drive, though, and he must have been exhausted after practicing all day! Did anyone talk to him? Did he get home okay?”

Still, Tsukishima was his first priority.

At that, Yamaguchi’s expression softened, just the tiniest bit. “Yeah, he got home fine. I stayed up and waited for his text to be sure.”

Well, at least Kuroo didn't have to worry about that. It was a brief respite from the boulder of guilt he felt pressing down on his chest, making it hard to breathe.

_He didn’t have to leave. I should have been the one who left._

“Can you just - Can you tell him I’m sorry? Can you tell him I’m really, really sorry?”

It was painfully desperate, uncomfortably so, and the rest of the table averted their eyes.

“Tell him yourself,” Yamaguchi said shortly.

“I think I’d just mess it up again,” Kuroo admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

For the longest moment, Yamaguchi didn’t respond. Simply stared at Kuroo, like he was searching him for his truth. Kuroo let him see it. He wasn’t ashamed of it. He understood Yamaguchi’s conflict here, trying to decide what was the best thing for Tsukishima. What would lead him to the least amount of pain. He loved his friend fiercely, anyone with eyes could see that.

Kuroo just had to convince Yamaguchi that, despite his actions, he felt the exact same way. That they were on the same side here.

“I’ll…talk to him when we get back,” Yamaguchi finally said begrudgingly. “I can’t make any promises, but know this, Kuroo-san: Two chances is already more chances than Tsukishima usually gives anyone. If he ever does decide to give you a third, you better not screw it up.”

_One more chance. One more chance is all I need._

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternative titles for this fic: "tsukki's character growth through kuroo's eyes"
> 
> ahhh back to the good old third gym... sorry for the less-than-happy ending to this chapter, but like kuroo, i promise it'll all be okay in the end 😇 
> 
> also??? ponytail yamaguchi will always be canon in my mind and furudate cant take that away from me
> 
> thank u all for reading! pls comment and let me know what you thought - and i'll see u all soon! things r about to get a little ~wild~
> 
> come be my friend on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)


	3. iii.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He looks happy, doesn’t he?” Lev bounded up to him, looming tall enough to block out most of the moonlight. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look that happy before.”
> 
> “Yeah,” Kuroo said, biting down on his tongue until he tasted blood. “He does.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's where it starts to get interesting folks
> 
> [moodboard](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie/status/1231985014839169025?s=20)   
>  [twitter](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)

**iii.**

**From: Sawamura**  
_hey man! koushi’s having me double check with everyone on the guest list to make sure they’re still coming this weekend?_

**From: Me**  
_yes sir! you know i wouldn’t miss it for the world_

**From: Sawamura**  
_thanks, kuroo :) it means a lot to us_

**From: Me**  
_of course, man_  
_but just to be fair, im giving u a heads up right now that bo and i are wearing matching tuxes_

**From: Sawamura**  
_what about akaashi?_

**From: Me**  
_he burned his :(((_

*

No one was all that surprised when Sawamura proposed to Sugawara after their college graduation. It was a natural progression of things, like a flower blooming in Spring. It was the way the gods designed the Earth to be.

Flowers bloom in Spring. Sawamura and Sugawara spend their lives together and in love.

It was a small affair, since it wasn’t actually a legal wedding. But to the two people standing at the altar, and to the group of loving and supporting people around them, it was as real of a marriage as any. And that’s what mattered. The venue they rented out was beautiful, a sprawling white marble mansion surrounded by acres of lush greenery and rose bushes. The makeshift aisle was nothing more than a long, white length of fabric, dotted in flower petals, surrounded by chairs on each side with an altar at the end of it.

Tsukishima was part of the wedding party, so he was nowhere to be seen when Kuroo first arrived. He knew the blonde was probably inside getting ready with the rest of the party, but he had hoped that he’d be able to catch even the smallest glimpse of him before they were all asked to take their seats.

It had been three years, this time, and Kuroo needed to see him again. He _needed_ to because this would finally be their time. This would be it.

When Tsukishima finally did emerge from the house, to the swell of the piano, Kuroo felt everything inside of him give way. There was nothing, he knew in that moment, that he wouldn’t do for the blonde. 

He was - _Christ_ \- he was wearing contacts, of all things. Kuroo had seldom seen Tsukishima without his glasses, only for brief moments in time where he removed them to wipe the sweat out of his eyes. It was nothing short of staggering, getting the full effect of all of Tsukishima’s features all at once. Nothing standing between the rest of the world and those endless golden pools. 

His suit fit him better than any suit had a right to. So well, in fact, that Kuroo felt genuinely jealous of the fabric that got to cling so perfectly to the shape of Tsukishima’s body for a moment. The way it accentuated his long legs, his narrow waist, the widest spot of his hips - all too perfect to be fair.

“Holy _shit,”_ Kuroo exhaled, unable to hold it in as Tsukishima walked past, arm in arm with who might have been Sugawara’s sister. It was too quiet for the blonde to possibly have heard, just low enough that Bokuto caught it and snickered at Kuroo under his breath. 

And yet, like drawn by some invisible force, when Tsukishima walked past his pew, he looked right over into Kuroo’s eyes.

Tsukishima stumbled, barely noticeable to anyone who wasn’t watching him as closely as Kuroo was, but he did. Faltered just a half a step when they locked eyes, and Kuroo could relate to the feeling. If he hadn’t been sitting down in that moment, he’s sure he would have fallen flat on his face.

Kuroo tried to pay attention to the ceremony, because he’s sure it was lovely and Sawamura and Sugawara sure made an amazing couple, but all he could do was stare at Tsukishima. He had to fight every instinct in him not to jump up and race down that aisle to pull Tsukishima into his arms and say the words _til death do us part, I do._

Luckily, Kuroo had a bit more self control than that. 

Or rather, Bokuto and Akaashi were holding him firmly in place by the back of his jacket.

The ceremony ended with raining white confetti and happy tears and applause that they must have been able to hear for miles. It was fitting. Well-deserved.

The only thing Kuroo had on his mind was how quickly he could get to Tsukishima’s side.

He spotted the blonde, blending seamlessly into his usual pack of crows. Kuroo half expected Yamaguchi, or maybe even Hinata to stop him in his approach, or maybe for the entire team to turn their backs on him and shut him out after what he did. But, that last training camp happened what felt like a lifetime ago, and Kuroo was welcome by them all as if no time had passed since their first practice match in high school.

“Kuroo! We’re so happy you could make it!” Sugawara was positively glowing, arm linked with Sawamura’s and Kuroo had a feeling he wasn’t going to be letting go any time soon. Sickeningly cute.

“As I told your wonderful husband, I wouldn’t have missed this for anything.” Kuroo shook both of their hands and smiled, making sure the maintain eye contact instead of letting his gaze stray to the blonde just to their right. “Congratulations. You guys deserve this more than most.”

“Thank you, Kuroo.” Sawamura slapped him on the back as the happy couple walked away to greet more guests, and Kuroo thought he did an excellent job of pretending it didn’t nearly break his spine in two.

Apparently, not a good enough job. There was a snicker, one he was so achingly familiar with, one he’d pay a million dollars to hear every day for the rest of his life.

“That looked like it hurt.”

His voice was softer now. Softer than Kuroo remembered it, but still demanded just as powerfully to be heard. 

“That? That was nothing. I’ve been best friends with Bokuto for nearly ten years now, my bones are practically invincible.”

Tsukishima smiled at him fondly, such a far cry from the last time they’d spoken in person. “Hello, Kuroo-san.”

Kuroo swallowed hard. “Heya, Tsukki.”

It had been three years.

Three years since they’d seen each other in person, that was. Maybe only a few months since they’d last had contact with each other.

Kuroo took Yamaguchi’s advice, even though he had “taken his sweet time about it” (Freckles’ words, not his). It had been just one text, an apology that he knew was too little too late. Tsukishima hadn’t responded to it at all for days, and Kuroo didn’t blame him. But then, nearly two weeks after Kuroo sent his initial text, he finally got one back:

_itsuo’s read blocking is getting better. he stopped one of hinata’s spikes today._

And it all spiraled comfortably from there. They didn’t talk all the time, they hardly ever talked about anything of significance, but that was okay because Kuroo wasn’t totally shut out yet. This was his one more chance. 

As the years went on, their communication got more sparse, but it was still there. Kuroo was certain all he needed was to see Tsukishima in person again to move things along.

“I didn’t take you for the type that cries at weddings,” Kuroo said, earning himself a sharp glare.

“I teared up a little, at best. Besides, you’re one to talk. You and Bokuto-san were bawling like babies before they even said ‘I do’.”

“Anyone who has ever met us would expect that, though. The fact that you even teared up is front-page worthy news.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not some emotionless robot,” Tsukishima scoffed.

“I know,” Kuroo said quietly. Too honestly.

Tsukishima’s eyes widened, the faintest blush creeping across the tops of his cheeks, and oh. It was so pretty without his glasses getting in the way of it. (It was pretty with the glasses in the way, too.) 

This was a good sign, wasn’t it? Being able to make Tsukishima blush the same way he used to meant that there was some of that same chemistry between them, right?

Kuroo didn’t get the chance to explore that idea any further, because suddenly someone who was definitely _not_ Yamaguchi, or any of the other former crows for that matter, was infiltrating the flock with just as much ease and familiarity as Kuroo did. And he was walking right up to Tsukishima, throwing an easy arm around the blonde’s shoulders, like he had done it a hundred times before.

He was tall - even taller than Tsukishima himself - with a strong build and gentle, handsome features. Sleepy hazel eyes that looked friendly, but still sharp enough to draw blood, with brown hair that was impossibly soft-looking and perfectly tame. Kuroo subconsciously ran a hand through his own messy bedhead.

“Ah, there you are. Sorry, it was a work call. Had to take it real quick.” The man smiled apologetically at Tsukishima, and Kuroo wondered why Tsukishima would even care? Then, the man was looking at him surprised, like the only thing he’d noticed up until that moment was Tsukishima. Kuroo could relate. “Oh, hello. I didn’t mean to be rude, did I interrupt something?” 

The man looked curiously between Tsukishima’s flushed cheeks and Kuroo. His eyes glinted like daggers, too knowing for Kuroo’s liking.

“Actually -“ Kuroo started.

“No.” Tsukishima interrupted him firmly. “No, you didn’t. Kuroo-san, this is Futakuchi Kenji.”

“Hm?” Futakuchi peered closely at Kuroo, squinting to get a better look. “You look awfully familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it…”

“Kuroo-san was the captain of Nekoma back when we were in high school,” Tsukishima supplied. Futakuchi’s eyes lit up in recognition, snapping his fingers.

“Right, that’s it!” And then, he ended Kuroo’s life with two little words: “Thanks, babe.”

Now, it was something he could have easily written off in that moment. Just two friends who were a little too affectionate with their nicknames, but when he saw Tsukishima’s face burn a bright shade of scarlet, refusing to meet Kuroo’s eyes again, Kuroo knew what this was.

This was Kuroo, losing Tsukishima.

“Oh, ah,” Kuroo cleared his throat, fighting to act natural. “Did you play volleyball in high school, too?”

“Sure did!” Futakuchi smiled politely and Kuroo wanted to break his arm that was around Tsukishima’s shoulders. “I played for Dateko,” he said, with no small amount of pride. Understandable, as Kuroo recalled they were a top school in the Miyagi prefecture. “We never had the pleasure of playing each other, but I’ve seen some of your games. You were a hell of a middle blocker.” 

“High praise, coming from a former piece of the Impenetrable Iron Wall of Dateko,” Kuroo managed a wry grin.

Futakuchi laughed, and it would have been pleasant if it wasn’t for the way he pulled Tsukishima even closer to him with the action.

“Not impenetrable enough, eh?” He directed the question to Tsukishima, before turning back to Kuroo. “Those pesky little crows sure did have knack for picking us apart.”

“I understand all too well,” Kuroo empathized. Tsukishima rolled his eyes at both of them and gently pushed Futakuchi off of him.

“Yes, well, I think we can all agree that I was a better volleyball player than both of you.”

Kuroo gasped dramatically, clutching a hand to his hear and earning himself a small grin from Tsukishima. “My very own student? Turned against me? Tsukki, how could you break my heart like this?”

_Tsukki, how could you break my heart like this?_

Blissfully ignorant to the underlying honesty in Kuroo’s words, Futakuchi laughed again. He sure did laugh a lot. Laughed easily. Must be a side effect of dating Tsukishima, of loving him openly and being loved in return. It must make a person perpetually happy.

“You call him ‘Tsukki’, too, huh? I figured it was a name for Yamaguchi’s use only, because he never lets me say it!” Futakuchi pouted, poking at Tsukishima’s cheek. “It’s such a cute nickname, can’t I use it, too? Please, Kei?”

_Kei._

_I’ll trade with you,_ Kuroo thinks bitterly, then immediately wants to take the thought back. He may not have the honor of calling Tsukishima by his given name, but ‘Tsukki’ was still something special between them. It would always be Kuroo’s name for Tsukishima, no matter how many times he exasperatedly asked Kuroo to stop.

Though he wouldn’t mind having the option of calling him Kei, too.

“Absolutely not,” Tsukishima said coolly, but there was something fond laced into the words. Kuroo thought he might be sick.

“So cruel,” Futakuchi pouted, then caught sight of something over Tsukishima’s shoulder. “Oh look, Aone’s here with his new girlfriend! We should go say hi, babe.”

More compliant than Kuroo had ever seen him before, Tsukishima let Futakuchi wrap his fingers around his wrist and pull him away from Kuroo.

Didn’t even put up a fight.

“Sorry, Kuroo-san,” Tsukishima called over his shoulder. “We can catch up later, okay?”

“Nice meeting you!” Futakuchi didn’t look back, tugging Tsukishima along insistently, and the pair were swallowed up in the crowd.

He doesn’t know how long he stood there before Bokuto and Akaashi found him.

“You look like you could use this.” Bokuto pressed a glass of dark liquid into Kuroo’s hands. He didn’t know what it was, but he downed it all in one gulp. “Oh, wow, okay then.”

“Hinata told us that Tsukishima brought his boyfriend,” Akaashi said quietly. “We tried to find you as soon as we heard, but it appeared you already found out on your own.”

For some reason, even though Kuroo had just been face-to-face with the horrible truth, it was a million times worse hearing the words said out loud.

Tsukishima’s boyfriend. His _boyfriend,_ who was not Kuroo.

“Can you get me another one of those?” Kuroo asked Bokuto in a voice too small and raw to be his own. His friend pat him comfortingly on the back.

“Okay. Okay, Kuroo.”

The lack of exuberance in Bokuto’s normally animated voice was the final nail in his coffin.

*

“Do you think it’s weird that we all ended up with someone we played high school volleyball with?”

Kuroo startled, nearly spilling his drink and dropping the glass over the balcony, probably smashing a skull or two in the process. (Maybe Futakuchi’s. Hopefully Futakuchi’s.)

 _No. Nope. Bad Kuroo. No killing Tsukishima’s new boyfriend._ It wasn’t Futakuchi’s fault that Kuroo waited too long. That was his own fault. No one else’s.

“Christ, Tsukki! We should put a bell on you or something, you’re too quiet.”

The erratic fluttering of his heart was definitely only partially due to the scare, and mostly due to the arrival of Tsukishima up here on this balcony alone with him, looking out over the rest of the party, below the twinkling stars. The moonlight suited him as well as the sunset did…as well as broad daylight did, and overcast skies, and fluorescent gymnasium lights.

That was, to say, any lighting suited Tsukishima.

The blonde shrugged, a half-hearted apology, and joined Kuroo at the banister, resting his elbows on the railing.

“Well do you?”

“Do I…?” Kuroo paused, trying to remember what Tsukishima had asked him. “Ah, I’m not sure what you mean?”

“Think about it: Sawamura and Suga are married, Bokuto and Akaashi will probably be next unless Akaashi gets a lot of sense knocked into him real soon -“

“Hey!”

“Noya and Asahi, Oikawa and Iwaizumi, Lev and Yaku, hell, even Hinata and Kageyama are working past their shit these days.”

“You and Futakuchi,” Kuroo added. It tasted like battery acid.

“Huh.” Tsukishima blinked up at him, full moon reflected in his eyes.

“You were listing couples who played high school volleyball with us,” Kuroo said slowly. “And…You and Futakuchi are one of them?”

“Oh. Right.” Tsukishima huffed a breathless laugh. “I guess… I never thought about us that way. Like those people who… Ended up together.”

“It implies that it’s the end. That no one else will come after for you two.” Kuroo prays and prays that Tsukishima will contradict him.

“Huh.” Tsukishima said again, and nothing else.

“You happy?”

“Mm.” Tsukishima nodded, smile soft enough that Kuroo believed it.

“He nice?”

“Yeah, but not too nice. You know what I mean?”

Kuroo knew exactly what he meant.

He shrugged and swirled the last of his drink around the bottom of his glass. “I don’t think it’s weird at all, honestly. We didn’t choose who we fell in love with, we just all got lucky enough to meet the right person so early on. And we all just happened to have great taste in sports.”

Tsukishima didn’t mention the fact that Kuroo included himself in that group, said “we”, despite the fact that he wasn’t on the list of couples.

Kuroo didn’t know what to say next, but was was luckily saved by a commotion below. Sugawara and Sawamura were in the middle of the dance floor now, arms wrapped around each other, fairy lights dancing across their faces, staring into each other’s eyes like they held the answers to everything in the universe. Most of the guests were hovering around the edges of the dance floor cheering and cat-calling them excitedly.

“Wouldn’t you kill to have someone look at you like that?” Kuroo sighed, propping his chin in his hand and watching the couple sway tenderly together. He wasn’t sure what made him say it - if it was the few drinks he’d had, or Tsukishima warm at his side and still as hopelessly out of reach as ever.

He looked over when Tsukishima didn’t answer for a few seconds, and found the blonde staring at him with an unreadable expression.

“Somebody did once,” Tsukishima finally spoke. 

Kuroo had assumed he was talking about Futakuchi, with the way his eyes were shining. But then - in typical Tsukishima fashion - he flipped Kuroo’s entire world upside down:

“But when I asked him about it, he told me it was nothing.”

No. _No no no no no._

Kuroo tightened his grip on his glass and his arm shook with how badly he wanted to throw it at the wall behind him, to smash it into a million pieces. He wanted to throw _himself_ against the wall and smash himself into a million pieces.

That look in Tsukishima’s eyes in that moment. It was for him - a younger version him, but still him, nonetheless. It wasn’t for Futakuchi, or anyone else. It was Kuroo’s alone.

“Tsukki, I -“

“It’s okay,” Tsukishima interrupted. “It was a long time ago, Kuroo-san.”

“I - I’m still sorry. The way I handled it was -“

“Stupid? Of course it was. You were only seventeen, you know?”

_Only seventeen. Kuroo was only seventeen, and he was so in love and trying so hard to do the right thing._

“Right.” Kuroo laughed stiffly. “We were both just kids.”

“Yeah. Yeah we were.”

Tsukishima reached out in the space between them, reached for Kuroo like he wanted to take his hand, to reassure him, but stopped short at the last second.

“Babe!” Futakuchi was running towards them from below, waving up at the pair on the balcony above. Tsukishima drew his hand back like Kuroo was an open flame. “Babe, get down here, you’re missing the cake! I saved you a piece of strawberry, I know it’s your favorite!”

It was his favorite. Kuroo knew it, and Futakuchi knew it, too, which fundamentally cancelled out the importance of Kuroo knowing it.

Simple math.

Tsukishima grinned and waved down at him, that same tenderness in his eyes nearly catching Kuroo off guard when he turned to him and asked, “Shall we? If we don’t hurry, there might not be any pieces with chocolate frosting left, and I’d hate to see the fit you’d throw if that happened.”

Chocolate frosting was _Kuroo’s_ favorite. He didn’t even specifically remember ever telling Tsukishima that, but it must have come up in passing at some point over the years.

Tsukishima knew that about him, and that’s all Kuroo cared about.

From someone like Tsukishima, it was as good a confession as any.

*

After dessert and a few dances that Tsukishima begrudgingly let Futakuchi pull him into on the dance floor, the couple start to make their rounds and say their goodbyes.

“This is a lot better than last time, huh?” Kuroo can’t help but joke when Tsukishima gets to him and he knows the time for letting go is once again near.

“I don’t see how it could have gone any worse,” Tsukishima said dryly, cracking a hint of a smile.

“Listen, it wasn’t my finest hour…”

“You have a finest hour?” Tsukishima raised his eyebrows, making a show of looking his watch. “When is it? I’d like to see it sometime.”

“Smart ass,” Kuroo grumbled, chest filling with warmth at the familiar ease of bantering with Tsukishima. The blonde’s quick wit was unmatched by anyone Kuroo has met in his entire life. “I’d say I’m doing pretty good right now.”

Tsukishima’s smirk softened, melted like butter and Kuroo wanted to kiss those lips so bad, _so_ bad.

“Yeah, I’d say you are. We don’t always see eye to eye, you and I. Do we?”

“No,” Kuroo said honestly, for some reason not at all surprised by the question. They’d had more than their fair share of miscommunication and pushing each other’s buttons over the years. “Is that a bad thing?”

“I used to think it was, but I’m not sure anymore.” Tsukishima trailed off, looking thoughtful before shaking his head quickly and sticking his hand out for a polite goodbye. “Kuroo-san, it’s been a pleasure. I’d like to follow that up with ‘as always’, but we both know that would be a lie.”

Kuroo laughed, took Tsukishima’s hand and couldn’t stop himself from pulling the blonde into a hug. Tsukishima startled, going a little stiff in the hug at first, before hesitantly bringing his arms to wrap around Kuroo in turn. Kuroo’s throat was closing up with how badly he wanted to cry, but he didn’t dare let Tsukishima see a single tear fall. Instead, he just held on probably much tighter than could be considered friendly, breathed in the sweet, piney scent of Tsukishima’s neck, and didn’t let go until he was sure he wasn’t going to burst into tears.

Watching Tsukishima walk away, starlight dancing on the tips of his hair and Futakuchi’s hand sliding into his back pocket, Kuroo had to face the idea that this could be the end.

“He looks happy, doesn’t he?” Lev bounded up to him, looming tall enough to block out most of the moonlight. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look that happy before.”

“Yeah,” Kuroo said, biting down on his tongue until he tasted blood. “He does.”

_Don’t listen to him. He wasn’t there all those times in the third gym. He doesn’t know._

Lev practiced in the third gym with them a few times, but he wasn’t paying attention the way Kuroo was. He never saw Tsukishima’s face light up any time he and Kuroo successfully shot down one of Bokuto’s spikes, or how he laughed so hard he cried when Bokuto tore a hole right in the crotch of his training shorts, or how peaceful he looked that one night when Bokuto and Kuroo wanted to have a spike-off and Tsukishima and Akaashi stayed to wait for them and the blonde fell asleep right on Akaashi’s shoulder, blissfully unaware of how the older three boys cooed at how adorable he was.

But no matter how badly he wants to stop Tsukishima, to confess every sticky, sugary feeling Kuroo has in his chest for him before it’s too late, Kuroo stays rooted to the spot, watching until the couple disappears into the car and drive away.

Because Tsukishima was twenty now, and he was learning all about love and lust and life from someone who wasn’t Kuroo. And Kuroo only had himself to blame for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone pls join me in giving futakuchi kenji a warm welcome to this fic!!! yaaaay!!!! i literally love him so much im so sorry i put him in between kurotsukki it was for the pLOT
> 
> anyways, next week's chapter is gonna be a RIDE so stay tuned for the Big Turning Point!! from here on, chapters r going to be about twice as long as they have been, so look forward to that!
> 
> as always, thank u so much for reading, let me know what u thought in the comments, and let's be friends on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)


	4. iv.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Falling in love doesn’t make you an idiot.” Kuroo whispered as Tsukishima trembled against him.
> 
> “Yes. Yes, it does.”
> 
> Kuroo couldn’t really argue with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go again lads
> 
> this one...might hurt a little
> 
> (if u need break from the angst feel free to go check out the smutty bokuakakurotsuki oneshot that i just posted this week, [sit still, look pretty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22927963))
> 
>   
>  [moodboard](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie/status/1234643243486318592?s=20)  
>  [my twitter](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)

**iv.**

*

**From: Akaashi**  
_Are you home right now?_

**From: Akaashi**  
_I really hope that you are._

*

It was a rainy Friday night when Tsukishima came back to him.

Raining wasn’t even a good enough word for it - It was storming, torrentially down-pouring, the kind of weather that had every sane person in the city shacked up in their apartments because not even an umbrella or raincoat could protect them from the weather outside.

Which was why Kuroo, bundled up in blankets on his couch and watching reruns of his favorite show, nearly jumped out of his skin when there was a loud banging on his door in the middle of the night.

_Oh shit. Is this how I die? I really thought it would be something Bokuto-related that finally did me in._

Kuroo stared at the cartoon lions on his socks, contemplating ignoring the door completely in favor of staying right where he was and never moving again, but the knocks came again, louder this time. Sighing heavily, Kuroo untangled himself from his pile of blankets, stretching out his back and scratching at his abdomen under his loose t-shirt. Whoever this was better be dying, or at least have brought him food or something.

He swung the door open without bothering to look through the peephole, and was met with a sight that nearly brought him to his knees for so goddamn many reasons.

“Ts-Tsukki?” He gaped.

Tsukishima looked like a tragic, beautiful mess. Standing there, sopping wet on the cheesy welcome mat to Kuroo’s apartment, hair plastered to his forehead and glasses falling down his nose. His entire body violently trembling in just a t-shirt and jeans, not even a sweater or a jacket to keep him warm, a huge duffel bag at his feet.

Eyes, red-rimmed and broken.

“He has a wife.”

Kuroo moved on autopilot, on pure gut instinct, reaching out for Tsukishima and crushing his cold, shaking body against his own. Tsukishima fell against him, curled into him in a desperate grab for warmth, for comfort. Needed Kuroo in a way no one ever had before.

Protectiveness surged up inside the older boy, holding Tsukishima impossibly tighter as the blonde broke down into pitiful sobs that shredded Kuroo’s heart into a million pieces.

His only coherent thought, outside of taking care of Tsukishima, was that he was going to kill Futakuchi Kenji.

Tsukishima didn’t say much that night after those four words. It was like he had used up everything in him just to force himself to say that much, and Kuroo didn’t push.

He just walked him to the shower, gave him a pair of sweats and an old stretched out Nekoma Volleyball Club t-shirt, made him a big ass cup of tea and sat with him silently on the couch, reruns of old sitcoms playing on the TV. Kuroo pretended he couldn’t hear Tsukishima crying in the shower, and didn’t say a word about it when the blonde’s hands were shaking so much that he spilled his tea on Kuroo’s couch. Silently wiped it up and didn’t say a word.

“Sorry,” Tsukishima whispered.

“Don’t be,” Kuroo whispered back, because he had a feeling it wasn’t about the tea.

When it got late enough that neither of them could hold their eyes open any longer, even though Kuroo could see that Tsukishima’s mind was still running a million miles per second, he shut off the TV, bathing the room in darkness.

“You take my bed.”

“What? No.” Tsukishima shook his head. “That’s too much. You’ve already done much more for me than I deserve after showing up here announced like this.”

“Are you kidding me?” Kuroo gawked at him in the darkness. “Tsukki, you know I’m always here for you, don’t you?”

_Even though we’ve barely spoken in a year and a half._

“That’s - “ Tsukishima’s voice stuck. “That’s not fair to you, Kuroo. I can’t just expect you to always -“

“Yes, you can.”

A full body shudder wracked Tsukishima’s body.

“I won’t take your bed,” he insisted again, though weaker this time.

“It’s non-negotiable, I’m afraid.” Kuroo raised his hands in mock helplessness. “You can either get your scrawny ass in my nice warm bed, or you’re back out on the street.”

“At least the other homeless people on the street won’t insult my ass,” Tsukishima sniffed.

“Hey, I’m not judging. Some people like scrawny.”

_Me, for example. As long as it’s on you._

Tsukishima huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. “You won’t give this up, will you?”

“You know me so well, Tsukki.” Kuroo beamed, already ushering the taller boy to his feet and gently pushing him towards his room. “Sweet dreams, please ignore anything weird you find in my drawers.”

“Why would I be going through your drawers?”

“You’re very nosy, honestly.”

A lie, and they both knew it. Tsukishima was rarely more than politely interested in anyone or anything. It was a special occasion to see him genuinely asking questions and seeking out answers from other people. Like blocking. Tsukishima cared about blocking, about learning more, asking Kuroo a dozen questions every day and watching him closely during practice games. So closely that Kuroo felt it like a physical touch, no matter where on the court they were.

“I can assure you, I don’t care what you have hidden in your drawers,” Tsukishima said dryly. He walked carefully over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it, while Kuroo hovered in the doorway, leaning against the frame. He looked like he had something else to say, and Kuroo was more than willing to wait for it. Finally, fingers threaded tightly together, eyes trained on the carpet and voice so horribly unsure, Tsukishima asked: 

“Do you think I’m a bad person?”

Kuroo heard an audible _crack_ which he figured must have been his heart in that moment.

This was wrong. Everything about this was so wrong. From the dejected slump of Tsukishima’s shoulders that had just recently started to perk up with pride, to the fists he clenched his hands into so hard that his fingernails bit into the skin, to the lost voice, like a child’s. 

It was all wrong. It wasn’t his Tsukishima, it wasn’t the Tsukishima Kei he knew.

This was the second way Futakuchi Kenji had taken Tsukishima away from him.

“I don’t think I could ever think that about you,” Kuroo said.

“Yeah,” Tsukishima almost smiled, but it wasn’t happy. “That’s what I figured you’d say.”

“Do you think you’re a bad person?” Kuroo couldn’t help but ask. Tsukishima’s entire body stiffened.

“I don’t know.”

“You didn’t know, Tsukki. There’s nothing you could have done.”

Tsukishima laughed ruefully, the sound harsh and biting in the still silence of the late hour. “I could have never fallen in love with him.”

Ah, there it was again.

_Crack._

“You…loved him?” Kuroo said, voice sounding faraway and detached. Tsukishima finally looked up at him then, looking inexplicably guilty and about five years younger.

“Maybe? Or at least, something like it. How do people even know for sure?” Tsukishima’s nose scrunched up adorably, but Kuroo couldn’t focus on anything but the tsunami of blind rage in his head.

To think, that someone would take something as precious as Tsukishima’s love and just toy with it and then throw it away made him want to break things. To burn something to the ground. Futakuchi didn’t deserve even an ounce of Tsukishima’s affections, he had no right to break the blonde this way. To make him doubt himself. To crumple him up into an uncertain heap on Kuroo’s bed.

Oh, yeah. Kuroo was going to kill him. He told Tsukishima as much.

This, at least, got a tiny smile from the younger (even though Kuroo was being 100% serious). “Bokuto would never forgive you if you went to jail without him.”

Kuroo thought it over very seriously.

“Damnit. You’re right.”

“I usually am.” Tsukishima paused, as if letting his own words sink in. “Not always, though.”

He sounded just like that same fifteen year old so full of self-doubt that Kuroo met so many years ago.

“Tsukki…”

“Can we talk about this in the morning?” Tsukishima sounded much more tired than before. “Or never again? I just think I need to sleep now.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. I didn’t mean to keep you up, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Tsukishima echoed Kuroo’s own words back to him with a ghost of a smile.

After bidding Tsukishima goodnight, Kuroo made his way back to the living room, grabbed a pillow and flopped face-first onto the couch. His heart was racing, fingers clenched tight into the pillow he held over his face. And then, being careful not to wake Tsukishima, Kuroo pressed his face deep into the cushion and screamed until his throat was raw and his voice was hoarse. Until he was sure he wasn’t going to walk right out into the storm to find Futakuchi and kill him with his bare hands. Until he could remember what Tsukishima looked like when his whole world wasn’t crumbling down around him.

It took quite some time.

*

Kuroo woke up with a war tearing apart his mind.

One part of him hoped that everything that happened the night before had all been a dream. That he’d just fallen asleep on his couch by accident, not because a heart-broken Tsukishima had cried himself to sleep in Kuroo’s bed last night. That Tsukishima was still across the city, or wherever the heck he lived, waking up warm and happy in his boyfriend’s - who was not a terrible, cheating liar - arms. That Tsukishima was still whole.

The other part of him cruelly hoped that it hadn’t been a dream. That Futakuchi, who had taken Tsukishima so callously from him, had finally lost him. That Tsukishima was in _his_ bed, had left Futakuchi behind and come to him late last night in the pouring rain. That even though his whole world was imploding, he still found it in himself to bicker with Kuroo over sleeping arrangements, yet hadn’t argued one bit when he came out of the bathroom wearing Kuroo’s old bright red Nekoma t-shirt, hanging loose on his thin frame.

His confirmation that last night had not been a dream came in the form of sharp elegant shoulders and a head of tousled blonde hair peeking over the back of the couch when Kuroo came back from the bathroom.

“You’re up,” Kuroo said, trying to hide his surprise. “I was about to make some breakfast. Eggs okay?”

Tsukishima shrugged, which Kuroo interpreted as a ‘yes’, because he didn’t say anything after it, just kept staring at the television. Tsukishima was never much of a morning person, which Kuroo knew first-hand from sitting across from him at many training camp breakfasts, so he didn’t take the lack of verbal response to be a bad sign. In fact, he took Tsukishima having an appetite as a _good_ sign.

But then, as he was walking past the living room into the kitchen, Kuroo realized that the TV Tsukishima was watching so intently wasn’t actually on.

Not a good sign.

It should have been the cozy, domestic scene like something straight out of Kuroo’s favorite daydreams, the two of them sitting on his couch together in their pajamas, eating breakfast he made them with their plates balanced on their knees. Tsukishima’s hair flattened on one side from sleeping, and the way his bare toes curled into the couch cushion. Maybe, on any other day, the silence between them could have been comfortable.

But instead, it was deafening.

Because Tsukishima’s eyes were puffy and red around the edges, and the collar of his t-shirt was stained dark from his tears, and his heart was cracking and splintering and slicing through the air between them while they ate Kuroo’s runny eggs and stared at the blank TV in front of them.

It was like having breakfast with a ghost - just as quiet and twice as bone-chilling.

“I didn’t get a chance to grab all of my things last night.” Tsukishima’s voice was quiet and hoarse when he finally spoke. _Probably from all the crying he did last night._

And he didn’t ask, but still Kuroo responded, “Okay. I’ll go get them.”

Even as his face flooded with relief, Tsukishima bit his lip looking guilty. “Only if it isn’t too much of an inconvenience for you.”

“I don’t mind. I was planning on running some errands over in that area anyways. It’s right on my way.”

Tsukishima’s lips flickered into not quite a smile, but something like the ghostly equivalent. “Kuroo-san, you don’t know where I live.”

“How many times do I have to tell you to drop the ‘san’?” Kuroo sighed, playing up the exasperation in his exhale. He was already pulling on his jacket and grabbing his car keys.

And Tsukishima really hadn’t asked, but Kuroo never needed him to.

*

There was a cardboard box on top of the welcome mat to Tsukishima’s apartment, with ‘KEI’ written on the top in permanent marker. Tsukishima had told him that this would probably be the case. Futakuchi was always very organized and never liked to put off tasks until later. 

Kuroo bristled. The fucker had probably started packing up Tsukishima’s things before the blonde had even made it down the block.

A flicker of movement in one of the windows caught Kuroo’s eye as he bent down to pick up the box, and it was then that it registered with him. The lights were all on. Someone was home.

Tsukishima didn’t need Kuroo to look after him. He’d always known this, and yet there was always something protective surging up in Kuroo when it came to the blonde. Whether it was Tsukishima’s own teammates picking on him, or a spiker from an opposing team bending his fingers back too far when they tried to power through his blocks, Kuroo was always fighting back the most intense urge to defend him.

But this time, Kuroo couldn’t hold it back.

All Kuroo could think when Futakuchi opened the door was that he looked a lot better than Kuroo would look right now if he was the one who has just lost Tsukishima Kei. 

Futakuchi looked far too alive for the occasion.

He was in jeans and a loose sweater, tips of his brown hair still damp, like he’d just gotten out of the shower. Futakuchi’s clean appearance only served to make his anger burn even more acidic in his veins.

“Oh.” Futakuchi took a step back, eyes widening when he saw Kuroo standing there. “It’s you. Well, this is pretty unexpected, but I can’t really say I’m surprised.”

“You -“ Kuroo started, voice shaking with how furious he was, but as soon as the word left his mouth he realized that he didn’t even have the words for it. For this feeling. There were no words to describe to Futakuchi what he had done and how Kuroo hoped he would suffer for it. 

_You broke the person I love most in this world,_ he considered, but it felt like he’d be exposing both himself and Tsukishima too much if he said that.

“I know,” Futakuchi said in Kuroo’s silence, eyes softening with something like pity that made Kuroo clench his hands into fists. “You must want to kill me, huh? I mean, I’m sure there are plenty of people that are going to want to once they find out what happened, you know how flocks of crows can be. But I can only imagine that you want to hurt me more than anyone else.”

“What you did was fucked up.” Kuroo said, finding his words again. “You’d deserve it if I killed you.”

“I won’t argue with you there.” Futakuchi looked like he really agreed.

“Why would - How could you -“ Cursing under his breath, Kuroo found himself at another loss. All of the rage he felt was fizzling out his brain, making it hard to think of anything other than _Tsukki, Tsukki, you hurt my Tsukki, I’ll kill you, bastard._

“Must be hard for someone like you to imagine, right?” Futakuchi smiled sadly, cocking his head to the side with eyes that knew too much.

“Someone like me?”

“Someone who loves him as much as you do.” 

The wind whistled in his ears as Kuroo felt the ground drop out from under him. 

Futakuchi shrugged, like he hadn't just breathed life into the one thing nobody in Kuroo’s life, not even himself, had ever said aloud before. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he has no idea, but it was pretty hard for me to miss. I noticed it at the wedding. The way you looked at him. Your eyes give you away.”

Betrayed by his own eyes. Kuroo was hardly surprised, if he was being honest. Sometimes when he looked at Tsukishima he half-expected the love he felt for the blonde to spill bleeding from his chest with how obvious and overpowering it felt.

“This isn’t about me,” he tried to change the subject.

“No, of course it isn’t.” Futakuchi sighed and his shoulders slumped. “Though I must say, as selfish as it is, I’m relieved that he has you right now. I wouldn’t want him to be alone.”

“How fucking saintly of you. I couldn’t care less what you want, and neither could he.” Kuroo’s lip curled, the words coming out as more of a snarl than anything else. It was rising up in him again, the defensiveness on Tsukishima’s behalf.

This, at least, finally got some sort of reaction other than lukewarm out of Futakuchi, the tall man’s posture stiffening and eyes narrowing.

“You know, believe it or not, I do care that I hurt him. I care a whole fucking lot. Maybe I didn’t love him like you do, and I sure as shit didn’t love him the way he deserved, but you don’t have some sort of monopoly on loving him so don’t you dare accuse me of not loving Kei at all!”

“You don’t get to call him that anymore!” Kuroo snapped, stepping forward and jabbing a finger aggressively in Futakuchi’s face. Hearing Tsukishima’s name on that bastard’s lips suddenly had him seeing red. “You lost the fucking right to call him that when you broke his goddamn heart!” 

He didn’t lay a hand on the other man, but Futakuchi reacted to his words like Kuroo had just plunged a knife in his chest, staggering back half a step, all the blood draining from his face.

Futakuchi chuckled hollowly, running a hand through his damp hair and making the ends stick up. “Fuck. That’s - Shit, why did that one hit so hard? After all that time I spent convincing him that I’d earned it… You're right.”

“Damn straight I am.” Kuroo said hotly. “And you’re right, too. You didn’t love him the way he deserved. Not even close.”

“You’d know, wouldn’t you?” Futakuchi watched for his answer carefully. Kuroo couldn't care less, he didn’t have a damn thing to hide.

“No, I wouldn’t, because there isn’t a soul in the world who could possibly love Tsukishima as much as he deserves, and the fact that you can’t see that is probably why you were stupid enough to lose him in the first place.”

“I never intended on hurting him.” Futakuchi’s voice trembled slightly, though Kuroo wasn’t sure it was from anger or sadness. “I wouldn’t wish being in love with two people on my worst enemy, you know. It’s like your heart is constantly being torn in half. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.”

Kuroo took in Futakuchi’s dull eyes and decided that he believed him. Not that it changed one key fact.

“Would you have chosen him?”

“What?” Futakuchi frowned.

“If you hadn’t already been married to her, would you have chosen him?”

The other man shut his eyes like he was blocking out a particularly painful memory. After a moment, he exhaled shakily and answered, “I don’t know.”

Kuroo nodded to himself, picking up the cardboard box. “Yep, that’s the wrong answer, buddy. So, now I’m taking his shit and I’m leaving, and if I ever happen to run into you ever again, you’d better cross the fucking street.”

His heart was pounding so loud in his ears, Tsukishima’s belongings held close to his chest, that he almost didn’t hear Futakuchi call after him.

“For both of your sakes, I hope you tell him how you feel one day. If anyone might be able to come close to loving him enough, I’m willing to put money on it being you.”

_I can promise you, I will be._

*

He was sadly unsurprised to find Tsukishima was still sitting exactly where Kuroo left him when he got back to his apartment.

“The mission was successful, and the package has been safely retrieved. Careful opening it, though, just in case it’s booby trapped or something.”

It wasn’t like he expected Tsukishima to laugh or anything (he usually didn’t), but the complete lack of response at all - no annoyed sigh or disgusted groan - was what worried Kuroo. He glanced up and noticed that Tsukishima’s eyes were staring holes into the neat lettering of his name across the top of the box.

“It was already outside, wasn’t it? Just like I said it would be.” His voice cracked, and he cleared his throat to try and cover it. Kuroo very much wanted to cry then, too. Tsukishima deserved so goddamn much better than this, and it broke his fucking heart.

“Nobody was home,” Kuroo lied easily. Normally, he was a shit liar. It was part of what made him so trustworthy, but to protect Tsukishima, he didn’t even hesitate.

The blonde just nodded, pulling his knees up to his chin and didn’t move for a long, long time.

Around dinner time, things started looking up, with Tsukishima even offering to help Kuroo set the table, but took a sharp turn afterwards, when Tsukishima went looking for something in the cardboard box and ended up coming away with empty eyes and a faded teal Dateko High School hoodie clutched in his hands in a death grip.

Kuroo took great joy in throwing the article of clothing right into his fireplace, but it still wasn’t enough to bring a single spark of light back into Tsukishima’s eyes.

It was Kuroo’s own personal brand of a slow and torturous death, watching Tsukishima like this. He wasn’t too proud to admit that he needed help.

“Hey hey hey!” Bokuto’s voice was such a sharp contrast from the heavy silence that had been weighing on Kuroo’s chest all day that Kuroo wished his friend were really here so he could hug him right then. “You’re on speaker. Akaashi’s with me, too.”

“He’s here.” Kuroo said, apropos of nothing. 

Word travelled fast in their small circle, and the odds that one of their friends had tried to stop by and visit that day, or ran into Futakuchi in the market, were too high. Though Kuroo knew if word had spread, no one had heard it from Tsukishima himself, since despite the way it had been buzzing on the coffee table nonstop all day, Tsukishima never even glanced in its direction. After a while, the vibrating stopped, but Kuroo was pretty sure it was only because the damn thing finally died.

“We figured,” Akaashi sighed. “He texted me for your address late last night, and apparently no one’s been able to get a hold of him since.”

Huh, Kuroo had completely forgotten about getting those weird texts from Akaashi. He vaguely remembered opening them after Akaashi had sent the second one, but that was right around the time Tsukishima had showed up, and everything after that had been nothing but a blur of Tsukishima’s trembling hands and tear-stained t-shirt and the steady implosion of Kuroo’s heart. He hadn’t even wondered how Tsukishima knew where he lived.

“How is he?” Bokuto’s bleeding heart made it impossible for him to mask the pain in his voice. It was times like these that Kuroo didn’t envy his friend’s unusually high levels of empathy. It definitely didn’t help that it was Tsukishima hurting, of all people.

“It’s like he died,” Kuroo croaked, the tears he had spent two days holding back suddenly threatening to spill over at Bokuto’s simple question.

Bokuto made a sound like a wounded animal and Akaashi sighed again.

“It’s like he’s dying right in front of my eyes and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t - I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. I feel like if I just make one wrong move he’s going to shatter completely, and I can’t handle that. I can’t _do_ this.” Kuroo finally let himself cry as the words clawed their way out of him.

“Kuroo,” Akaashi said calmly. “Kuroo, breathe. I know this hurts, but it’s going to be okay.”

“How?” Kuroo’s voice splintered like glass. “How can you say that? How can you know that?”

“Because it’s you and Tsukki, man,” Bokuto answered simply.

Kuroo wanted to laugh at that, but the tears made his throat all thick and closed up so that no other sounds could come out.

“You don’t understand. You haven't _seen_ him. I’m - fuck, I’m so fucking scared I’m going to make this worse, please, Akaashi, you’ve always been so good with him, just please tell me what to-”

“Kuroo,” Akaashi said his name more sharply this time. “Listen to me. You’re not going to want to hear this right now, but you’re coddling him.”

Bokuto made a strangled noise. “Keiji!”

“No, he needs this. They both do. There’s a reason Tsukishima came to you the other night, out of everyone he knows in Tokyo, right? He didn’t even know where you lived, and he still made the effort to seek _you_ out. Not Kageyama, not Hinata, not Yachi or Ennoshita or Azumane or any other friends he has in the city. He came to _you._ Do you know why?”

“I don’t know why,” Bokuto admitted.

“Me neither.” Kuroo agreed. He thought he heard Akaashi smacking his palm into his forehead through the phone, but he couldn’t be sure.

“Because in that moment, what must have been the lowest moment of his life, what he needed was you.” Akaashi explained. “Because after finding out that he’s been lied to by a man he loved for years, he needed someone who would tell him the truth, no matter what.”

 _The truth._ Maybe Tsukishima had come to the wrong place after all. Kuroo had been hiding his biggest truth from Tsukishima since the blonde was only fifteen years old.

“I can hear you overthinking.”

“Just give me a minute, jeez Akaashi!”

“Bro, Akaashi is right.”

“You think Akaashi is always right.”

“Because he is! Listen, what’s the one thing Tsukki could always expect from you?”

“Killer smile? Bad hair?” Kuroo guessed.

“Okay, but _besides_ that. You were always honest with him, even when it was kinda brutal, because you always just wanted what was best for him. I think maybe he gets that, and maybe he came to you because he needs the push you always give him? Like, he trusts you to know how to put him back together. Is that right, huh Akaashi?”

“Exactly right.” The fondness in Akaashi’s voice is palpable, even through the staticky connection. It always was to Kuroo, even before they got together, back when Bokuto thought he was hopelessly pining after the pretty setter. Kuroo knew better from the first time he heard Akaashi’s gentle ‘Bokuto-san’, as he fought an exasperated smile.

“Now,” Akaashi sounded just about finished with Kuroo’s bullshit for the night. “Stop second-guessing yourself and just trust yourself to do what’s right, because Tsukishima already does.”

*

Everyone always told Kuroo he was good with people. 

He knew how to read them, how to talk to them and connect with even the most difficult of people. Back in high school, he was known to be a master at provoking people, gently prodding under their skin until they moved the way he wanted them to. He knew exactly what to say to make people mad, and exactly what to say to _not_ make them mad.

But Kuroo had no idea what to say to Tsukishima.

Despite Akaashi and Bokuto’s best efforts at encouraging him, Kuroo felt no more confident in his ability to make Tsukishima’s breakup any easier on him. He’d never really had his heart broken before, mostly because there was only one person in Kuroo’s life that he cared enough about to be heartbroken over, and he’d never gathered the courage to tell him so. He was no expert on the situation itself, and he was certainly no expert on Tsukishima Kei.

If Yamaguchi were still in the country, he’d know what to do. In fact, if Yamaguchi had still been in the country, Tsukishima probably never would have shown up on Kuroo’s doorstep in the first place. But as it was, Yamaguchi had still been finishing up his veterinary program in America, so what Tsukishima got instead was him.

Poor, poor Tsukki. Kuroo felt like he was twice the mess the blonde was on the inside, so how the hell was he supposed to be someone Tsukishima could lean on right now?

But it wasn’t the time for self-doubt anymore, because Tsukishima _needed_ him.

“Oh good, you're already up. Put these on.” Kuroo rifled through his drawers and tossed a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt at Tsukishima, who had been sitting on the edge of the bed looking out the window when Kuroo walked in.

“What - What are you doing? It’s not even seven a.m. yet.” Tsukishima snatched the shirt off his head where it had landed, a confused frown on his face. Kuroo simply continued digging through his drawers, pulling out clothes for himself as well.

“It’s a beautiful day out, Tsukki, so you and I are going for a run.”

Tsukishima’s face contorted unhappily, lips pursing in a pout that was almost cute enough to convince Kuroo to drop the whole thing. “I’d really rather not.”

Yeah, Kuroo had expected that. Making Tsukishima do something he didn’t want to was the exact opposite of what Kuroo wanted to do right now, but he fought past the instinct to wrap Tsukishima back up in his comforter because Tsukishima _wasn’t_ some delicate thing that needed to be protected from the rest of the world. He wasn’t broken. Kuroo just needed to remind him of that. 

So instead, he crossed his arms firmly over his chest and dug down deep for his best ‘I’m The Captain Of Nekoma and You Do What I Say’ voice.

“And I really wasn’t asking.”

The shift in the air between them was immediate. Tsukishima’s eyes widened in surprise, slowly turning on the bed to face Kuroo fully. There was something in his expression, not quite hopeful, but something terribly close that made Kuroo think that maybe this was what Tsukishima had been waiting for after all.

Waiting for Kuroo to push him somewhere. Anywhere.

He clapped his hand together exuberantly. “Come on, up you go, the day’s wasting away!”

Tsukishima continued to grumble as Kuroo made his way over to the bed, grabbed him by the arms, and pulled him to his feet, but he made no move to actually resist Kuroo.

“‘m gonna waste you,” Tsukishima said under his breath. Kuroo just laughed, resisting the urge to hug him. “Can I at least get changed in peace, or do you want to nag me while I do that, too?”

“Why Tsukki, was that an invitation to stay?” Kuroo raised an eyebrow, just barely catching the flush on Tsukishima’s face as the door was slammed shut between them.

It felt like the first victory Kuroo had in days.

The weather held up surprisingly well that day, which Kuroo considered a small blessing (and maybe a sign that some higher power was on his side here). Mild and sunny, with only a few big puddles leftover from the rain that had been steadily coming down the past few days in a row. Rain drops still clung to the leaves on the trees and petals of all the flowers.

They didn’t talk as they ran. Though to be fair, Kuroo didn’t talk because he couldn’t really breathe. It had been…a while since he’d gone for a good, long run like that instead of just doing thirty minutes on the treadmill at the gym. There were hills and shit outside that Kuroo didn’t have to deal with on the treadmill, and it was a solid three miles to the park he liked and wanted to take Tsukishima to.

Finally, lungs burning and thigh muscles feeling like jelly, they made it to the park. Kuroo slowed to a walk and Tsukishima silently matched his pace, following him to sit on a bench on a hill, overlooking the rest of the park.

“The world didn’t end,” Kuroo started. Tsukishima didn’t react to his statement, so Kuroo forged on. “I know it probably feels like yours did, but life is still going on all around you, y’know? I just wanted to remind you.” He gestured broadly to the greenery and people milling about around them.

“Is this your attempt at a pep talk?” Tsukishima leaned back on the bench, keeping his eyes forward, voice giving away nothing.

“It must be working because you’re back to sassing me already,” Kuroo teased. Tsukishima’s lips quirked into a half-smirk. _Another victory._

Kuroo took a deep breath, and he saw Tsukishima tense up slightly, as if in anticipation of what he was about to say next. _You can’t coddle him anymore,_ Kuroo reminded himself sternly. _Tell him what he came to you for. Tell him what he needs to hear._

“I know this sucks and you probably wanna die a little and you’re definitely going to cry about it a lot more, but before this goes any further, I thought someone should probably tell you that you’re still, y’know, you. You existed before Futakuchi, and you’re gonna keep on existing without him. You’re an amazing person, and you always have been, since the day I met you. He had nothing to do with that. He didn’t make you who you are, which means that he can’t destroy you. Only you can do that, and I really don’t wanna sit back and let you anymore.”

Other than flinching at the mention of Futakuchi’s name, Tsukishima remained perfectly impassive throughout the entirety of Kuroo’s speech. Not the ghostly way Kuroo has gotten used to seeing over the past few days, though. More thoughtful. Contemplating, the way Kuroo remembered facing from the other side of the net back in high school.

And then, the most amazing and unexpected thing happened: Tsukishima leaned his head on Kuroo’s shoulder.

Kuroo went completely still, frozen in shock. He could feel the sweat dripping from Tsukishima’s temple seep into his t-shirt and his blonde curls tickling his neck, and it was all so real that Kuroo knew it wasn’t some cruel trick of his imagination. This was the first time Tsukishima had ever initiated any of their physical contact over the years (not that he was keeping a tally or anything, it was just hard not to notice someone who acted so averse to touch going out of his way to do so), and Kuroo’s mind buzzed happily.

Despite being a few centimeters taller, Tsukishima was actually a little shorter than Kuroo when they sat next to each other like this since the majority of Tsukishima’s height was in those long, gorgeous legs of his, and Kuroo had a longer torso. Tsukishima’s head rested perfectly, right in the crook of Kuroo’s neck, all of their curves and angles fitting together so perfectly that for a moment, Kuroo believed what Bokuto had said the night before.

That everything would be okay, _because it’s you and Tsukki, man!_

“I’m going to tell you what happened.” Tsukishima’s fingers locked together tightly in his lap.

“You don’t have to, if you’re not ready,” Kuroo assured him.

“No, I want to. Or rather, I need to, I think. Just don’t interrupt, okay?”

Kuroo nodded dutifully, miming pulling a zipper shut tight across his lips. On some level, he thought maybe he needed to hear this just as badly as Tsukishima needed to say it. Maybe it would be cathartic for both of them.

“I never even told you how we met, did I?” 

Kuroo shook his head, feeling guilty. He had never asked, and they hadn’t spoken much recently.

Tsukishima nodded to himself and took a long, slow breath, pressing his cheek against Kuroo’s collarbone, and then he started his retelling of Kuroo’s least favorite love story of all time:

“He went to the same university as Yamaguchi, Yachi, and I. I didn’t even realize it until about a year in. I was walking home from the library late one night and had a craving for something sweet, so I stopped by a late-night cafe that was on my walk home. Turned out, Ken- Futakuchi worked there. He recognized me from playing each other in high school, and we got to talking. Not about anything important, or even anything I remember to this day, but I remember it felt…nice. Yamaguchi was always so busy studying, and Yachi made a new friend group with kids in her art program, and I was lonely, I guess. I didn’t feel so lonely when I was with him, so I sort of made a habit of stopping by that cafe every night when I knew he had the late shift.”

Kuroo could picture it all too perfectly; Tsukishima and Futakuchi, late at night in the solace of that little cafe, heads ducked together over a display of sweets, slowly but surely falling in love. 

As much as he hated to admit it, they made a damn good picture.

Tsukishima smiled ruefully to himself. “I don’t remember falling in love with him. I barely even remember how we started dating. All I knew was that one day he asked me to move in with him, and I said ‘yes’ without even giving it a second thought. When you met him at Suga and Daichi’s wedding, we had just finished moving all my things in.”

Ah, so they had still been in that fresh, giddy honeymoon phase when Kuroo met him. _Figures._

Kuroo knew the darker turn of this fairytale was coming next when he saw Tsukishima’s eyebrows knit themselves together, his nails digging crescents into his palm. He wrapped an arm around the younger’s shoulders without giving it too much thought.

“He only lived in Tokyo part-time, which should have been my first red flag. I didn’t think anything of it though, because he was a restaurant manager, so it made perfect sense for him to live in two places. He was in charge of the Tokyo location, and one back in Miyagi, so half the week he was in Miyagi, and the rest of the week he was here. With me.” Tsukishima stopped and Kuroo hummed gently, encouraging him to continue. 

_You can do this, Tsukki. I’m right here with you._

“There was nothing suspicious about it. He never started acting differently, and he was always so happy to see me when he got back that I just - I never even suspected that he was spending half the time lying to my face, and the other half lying to his wife’s.”

Kuroo unzipped his lips. “He’s a snake and he never deserved either of you.”

Tsukishima swatted him on the thigh. “No interrupting,” he chastised, though it lacked any real heat.

“Sorry, sorry. Please, continue.” Kuroo re-zipped.

“Like I said, there we no warning signs at all that he might be lying to me. That he had an entire other life that he was hiding from me. Until the other night… I noticed that he hadn’t unpacked his bag from his trip to Miyagi yet, and I was just - I was trying to be helpful, and I hate when he leaves a mess around, so I - I was unpacking it for him.”

Kuroo saw exactly where this was going. Futakuchi was so fucking lucky Kuroo hadn’t killed him when he had the chance.

“There was a letter, stuffed down in between his clothes. I guess she had tried to hide it or something, to surprise him. It was - “ Tsukishima inhaled slowly. “It was an anniversary card from his wife. Three years.”

“Fuck, Tsukki…” Kuroo breathed, unable to hold it in.

“He didn’t even deny it when I asked him about it,” Tsukishima said miserably. “A part of me wished that he would, that there was some kind of an explanation, but… It was real. She was real. It was an arranged marriage that their parents had set up when they were kids. They had been married since before he and I even started dating. He said he never planned on falling for me the way he did, and that at the time, he and his wife barely even knew each other. Barely even spoke. So when he did start developing feelings for me… He didn’t try to stop them.” Tsukishima paused. “But then he and his wife got closer. He says he was in love with both of us at the same, but they were _married_ and I -” Tsukishima broke off, hands clenching into fists on top of his thighs.

“Didn’t know,” Kuroo finished for him gently, easing an arm around his shoulders. Tsukishima fell into his side, turning his face against his chest and Kuroo never wanted to let him go. “You didn’t know, Tsukki. This was nobody’s fault but his own.”

“I feel _stupid,”_ Tsukishima spat. “I’m always so careful about who I trust and who I let in -“

“Oh, I know.”

“And I _fell_ for his shit! I believed him, I _wanted_ to trust him so badly that I acted like an idiot!”

“Falling in love doesn’t make you an idiot.” Kuroo whispered as Tsukishima trembled against him.

“Yes. Yes, it does.”

Kuroo couldn’t really argue with that.

“Every time…” Tsukishima said so quietly that Kuroo wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear or not.

“Sometimes being in love makes you act like an idiot, but falling in love isn’t stupid. It’s just…human.” Kuroo shrugged, trying not to jostle Tsukishima too much. “I mean, not all humans fall in love? Like Kenma. He couldn’t care less about all that mushy romantic stuff, but people like you and me… It’s not stupid to wanna be in love.”

Tsukishima huffed out a laugh.

“You’re quite the expert, are you? Fallen in love a few times?” He tilted his chin up and Kuroo forced himself to look away when he answered.

_Your eyes give you away._

“Just the once.”

*

“You’re leaving?” Kuroo felt panic sinking into his bones as he blinked himself more fully awake and saw the duffel bag sitting at his front door. 

Being woken by Tsukishima gently prodding at his cheek with the tip of his index fingers and having those bright, honey eyes be the first thing Kuroo saw in the morning certainly wasn’t a bad start to the day by any stretch of the imagination. But when Kuroo spotted Tsukishima’s things packed up and waiting at the door, the realization dropped like a boulder in the pit of his stomach.

“I couldn't go without thanking you.” Tsukishima’s finger was still pressing lightly into the side of Kuroo’s face, his eyes glowing like a hearth in the early morning sunlight.

 _Maybe this is just a dream?_ Kuroo thought desperately, but he hadn’t been that lucky so far.

“You don’t have to go at all, you know? I’ll let you stay here as long as you need.”

Tsukishima’s hand rested more fully, finger now lightly stroking the top of Kuroo’s cheekbone in almost absent-minded movements.

“My brother is already on his way. I need to go back home for a little while.”

“You’re going home?” Kuroo blinked up at him, confused. Tsukishima was leaving Tokyo? Was leaving him? Had his pep talk in the park not worked after all?

But Tsukishima’s lips just curved into a tiny smile as he nodded. “Yeah. You were right, I was someone before Futakuchi. I think I just need a little help remembering who that was.”

_I’ll do it, I’ll help you. I’ll do anything you need, just say the word._

Kuroo would quit his job and devote every second of every day and every night helping Tsukishima remember who he was before he dated Futakuchi. He’d tell him story after story of the beautiful, snarky fifteen year old who first caught his attention and every glorious night they spent together in the Third Gymnasium until the embers in Tsukishima’s eyes caught flame once again.

But Kuroo didn’t know everything about Tsukishima, no matter how much he loved him. His family and friends from his hometown knew him much longer and much more intimately than Kuroo could ever even hope to, and they would be able to help him through this. To remind him who he was.

“He was a little shit, in case you’ve forgotten,” Kuroo teased, reaching up and holding Tsukishima’s hand in place. He wanted to memorize the feeling, to absorb it into his skin and hang onto this closeness, this warmth for as long as he possibly could.

Who knew when Tsukishima would come back to him again?

“If I was really that terrible, you wouldn’t have spent so much time chasing after me.” Tsukishima’s voice dropped into a terrible impression of Kuroo’s own. _“Tsukki, come practice with me, I’m going to make you the best blocker in the country. Tsukki, eat dinner with me, I have to make sure you eat enough. Tsukki, let’s race to the top of that hill, you have to work on your stamina so you stop getting so winded during long matches.”_

Kuroo cracked a grin, feeling his cheeks heat up. “Alright,” he allowed. “Maybe you weren’t so bad.”

_Understatement of the century._

“Please, no need to flatter me.”

“You really gotta go, huh?”

Tsukishima paused, smile faltering. “My brother’s already on his way,” he repeated weakly. Weak enough, that Kuroo knew if he pressed enough, pressed the right buttons and said the right words, he might even be able to get Tsukishima to stay.

 _Selfish, selfish, selfish._ He didn’t get to keep Tsukishima right now just because it was what he wanted.

“Oh. That’s right. He gonna be here soon?”

“Any minute now.”

Only three minutes later, Tsukishima’s phone buzzed with a text from Akiteru telling him that he was pulling up to the building. Three minutes that felt more like three seconds, all too short, laying there with Tsukishima kneeled beside him, hand pressed against his cheek.

Kuroo helped Tsukishima carry his things down and load them into his brother’s car, shook Akiteru’s hand and gracefully accepted all of his thanks for looking after Tsukishima that weekend.

He pulled open the passenger side door and bowed chivalrously, grinning up at Tsukishima through his bangs. Not expecting the sudden arms that were thrown around his neck, Kuroo nearly lost his balance and toppled over, barely catching himself on the door. The hug was fierce, almost violent, and over almost as soon as it began. 

Akiteru was pointedly looking the other direction when Tsukishima climbed into the car, pulling his seatbelt across his chest and clutching it tightly with both hands. Kuroo could see Akiteru’s lips move as he said something, eyes flickering over to Kuroo, but Tsukishima just shook his head and mouthed something back.

And then the car was pulling away.

Kuroo held his hand to his cheek, but his own palm was too hot against his skin. Too big and calloused, not at all like Tsukishima’s cool, delicate hand with his smooth, slender fingers.

He didn’t let himself cry, just like he hadn’t all the times before. He was getting horribly used to letting Tsukishima go.

Because Tsukishima was twenty-two years old now, and learning about heartbreak for the first time. Something Kuroo hoped he’d never have to know. And as badly as Kuroo wanted to be the person Tsukishima could lean on right now, the blonde needed a different kind of healing.

Tsukishima needed to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry :)))
> 
> i was genuinely rly surprised at how many people were so #teamfutakuchi after last chapter and i just KNEW this one was gonna be an unpleasant surprise so im very sorry, i love futakuchi kenji so very much, i did it for the pLOT 
> 
> anyways go check out [sit still, look pretty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22927963) if ur sad and need cheering up
> 
> pls comment what u thought and come be my friend on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)


	5. v.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking about even a week without Tsukishima made something fragile and hollow within Kuroo’s chest ache. Thinking about two years without him was unbearable.
> 
> But even more unbearable than that was the thought of holding Tsukishima back.
> 
> “I think you should go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the good news is, this is the last time kuroo is going to let tsukki walk away
> 
> the bad news is, u have to read about it one more time :(
> 
> thank u so much to everyone still reading - u guys r so close to the end! i believe in u!!!
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)  
> [moodboard](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie/status/1237208366335905792?s=20)

**v.**

**From: Kenma**  
_have you heard?_

**From: Me**  
_heard what?_

**From: Kenma**  
_he’s back._

*

Tsukishima moved back to Tokyo six months later, this time with a different man.

When Kuroo heard this, he nearly lost his goddamn mind until Kenma quickly clarified that the ‘new man’ was none other than Yamaguchi Tadashi himself, who was finally finished with his veterinary studies abroad and had just moved back to Japan a few weeks ago.

Tsukishima was, from what Kuroo heard through the grapevine (i.e., from Kenma who heard from Hinata, who heard from Yamaguchi), doing exceptionally well since being home in Miyagi. The time with his family and some of his old teammates who still lived in the area, not to mention his old coach, had done wonders for him. And of course, once Yamaguchi came home, Tsukishima got exponentially better.

It had only been six months, one of the shortest periods of time Kuroo had spent apart from Tsukishima, but he could hardly wait to see him again.

Tsukishima, it appeared, could wait.

“Still nothing?” Bokuto asked, patting Kuroo on the shoulder sympathetically with one hand while pushing the metal shopping cart with his other.

“Nothing.” Kuroo confirmed with a melodramatic sigh.

It had been nearly a week since Kenma texted him that Tsukishima was back in Tokyo, but Kuroo hadn’t heard anything at all from the blonde himself.

“He’s probably just been busy with moving and stuff! Don’t take it personally, bro.”

“I’m not,” Kuroo lied. Did he need more eggs? He grabbed some off the shelf as they passed by anyways. 

He had tried not to, at least. But then, when he asked Kenma if he wanted to grab dinner together last night, and was politely turned down because his friend had been invited by Hinata to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s new apartment for dinner with the rest of the Karasuno first years - Well, Kuroo started taking it personally.

Not that he was offended at not being invited to the first years’ celebration, he knew that they were a tight-knit group. More so that Tsukishima seemed to have enough time to throw dinner parties, but not to send Kuroo a simple text.

“Hey Kou, we don’t need creamer, do we?” Akaashi called from further down the aisle.

“We do, we need the vanilla kind that you like!” Bokuto dashed off with his cart to join his boyfriend and left Kuroo to sulk by himself in the dairy section of the grocery store.

Kuroo looked down at the cardboard carton in his hands. Eggs were what he made Tsukishima for breakfast the morning after he got his heart broken. It hadn’t been all that long ago in the grand scheme of their relationship, but it felt like it had been a lifetime since Kuroo had seen the beautiful blonde.

Perhaps too long, since he was standing in the middle of the grocery store getting misty-eyed over a carton of eggs.

“Kuroo? You good, bro?”

“Hm? Yeah, why?” Kuroo asked, not looking up when Bokuto rejoined him.

“Uh, well, this nice old lady here has been asking you politely to move out of her way for like three minutes now, and you’ve just been standing there looking at those eggs like they murdered your family?”

“What? Oh! Ma’am, I’m so sorry, please go right ahead.” Kuroo gallantly stepped aside as a tiny old woman with white hair glared at him and reached past for a tub of cottage cheese. Gross.

Bokuto tugged at the ends of his silver hair and let out a frustrated whine. “Akaaaashi can’t we tell him? We have to tell him, he’s bumming me out so bad!” 

“Tell me what?”

“Bokuto, don’t.” Akaashi’s dark eyebrows narrowed warningly.

“Don’t what?”

“Babe, please! This is too depressing to watch! You said yourself that you hoped one of them would get their act together soon, so let’s just give our good bro here a little nudge in the right direction.”

“Woah, woah,” Kuroo placed his eggs in Bokuto’s cart and held up both of his hands between them. “Can someone just tell me what you’re talking about?”

Akaashi glared sharply at Bokuto, who shrunk under his gaze. “We know Tsukishima’s new address.”

“You - You know where he lives?”

“Yeah!” Bokuto hung himself across Akaashi’s back, ignoring the glaring now. “Him and Yamaguchi ordered some things to their apartment that were going to get there before they moved in, so they asked us to pick them up and hold onto them until they moved in! Apparently Yachi is out of town, and they trust us way more than they trust Kageyama and Hinata to do it.” He beamed proudly.

“They trusted _me,”_ Akaashi corrected, shaking his boyfriend off of him, but not before Bokuto could press a quick kiss to his cheek. “And I’d be breaking that trust if I started going around giving out their address to anyone who asks for it.”

“But this isn’t just anyone!” Bokuto insisted, gesturing to Kuroo with both arms spread wide, like a ringmaster presenting his next big carnival act. Kuroo did feel a bit like a clown, to be fair. “This is _Kuroo!_ If we tell him where Tsukki lives, he can show up there and surprise him with flowers or chocolate or something romantic like that and finally sweep our adorable little Tsukki right off his feet! That’s what you want, too, Akaashi? Isn’t it?”

_Actually, Tsukki would think flowers were a stupid gift because they’d just die in a few days anyways, and he’d only like chocolate as a gift if it was drizzled over plump, juicy strawberries. Not that I’ve thought about it or anything._

Kuroo sighed. “Akaashi’s right, Bo.”

“Thank y- Wait what?” Bokuto turned to Kuroo with wide, betrayed eyes. “But, don’t you wanna see him?”

Kuroo sighed again, bending down to rest his elbows on the handle of the shopping cart. “Of course I wanna see him, man. I’m literally dying here knowing that he’s somewhere in the same city as me again and I can’t see him. But Akaashi’s right. He shouldn’t give me Tsukishima’s address, because I shouldn’t force Tsukki to see me before he wants to, and I don’t know if I’d have enough self-control to resist if I knew where he lived.”

_Even if staying away from him is killing me._

Bokuto’s shoulders drooped, entire face falling and Kuroo felt bad for killing the grand, romantic dreams he had for him and Tsukishima, really he did. But Kuroo needed to take this seriously, couldn’t risk rushing it or not thinking things through.

He wasn’t going to screw up his chance with Tsukishima again. Not this time. And if that meant he had to be a little more patient than he was used to, so be it. Tsukishima was too important to rush.

As if he could read Kuroo’s mind, Akaashi’s sharp eyes softened and he nodded approvingly. “That might be the most mature thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth, Kuroo.”

“Hey, what does that mean, huh? I’m always mature!” 

“Not even five minutes ago, you asked me if the pits inside avocados were unfertilized baby avocados.”

“Yeah. Like eggs, y’know?”

“They’re just seeds!”

“That was a good question.” Bokuto pointed at Kuroo. “Really got me thinkin’.”

“Thank you, bro.”

“I hate you both.” Akaashi shook his head, loading the groceries from their cart onto the check-out belt. 

Kuroo put a plastic divider between his friends’ groceries and his, since Bokuto and Akaashi lived together and shared groceries. Kuroo lived alone, and a lot of the time, he ate alone. That gave him full autonomy over his grocery shopping and all the food in his apartment (when Bokuto wasn’t around), which was great because his favorite cereal never went mysteriously missing like Akaashi’s did, and he didn’t have to buy more than one portion of whatever he was planning for dinner which saved him a lot of money, and he never had to worry about if someone else wanted to eat the same thing as him or something different.

Which was all…great.

_Though I certainly wouldn’t mind if one day there were a few packages of strawberries thrown in the mix._

“Don’t worry, bro.” Bokuto smacked him on the back a little too hard for comfort. “He’ll come around. He always does, right?”

*

It was a Sunday, though Kuroo could hardly be certain about that since it was ass o’clock in the morning and he was jarringly woken from a deep sleep by sharp knocking on his front door.

He considered ignoring it, as he usually did when he wasn’t expecting Bokuto and Akaashi, or Kenma to come over. It could be an annoying neighbor asking to borrow some flour or something annoying like that, and his bed was extremely comfortable and warm. _Especially_ comfortable and warm that morning, it felt like. 

But then the banging on his door came again and for a brief moment, Kuroo entertained the idea that it might actually be something urgent. An emergency of some sort, and that thought alone managed to wake him up enough to roll out of bed, not bothering to even throw on a shirt, and stumble to the door.

“What?” He pulled the door open with probably too much force, squinting into the sunlight and scowling at the silhouette in front of him.

Except - 

He knew that silhouette.

Kuroo’s mouth went uncomfortably dry, rubbing his eyes more furiously to help them adjust to the light so he could be sure, and - Yes. It was really him.

It was really Tsukishima Kei standing at his front door.

All at once, it was entirely too reminiscent of the last time Tsukishima had shown up at his doorstep, and completely different.

For one, it was - Kuroo could not reiterate enough - _ass o’clock in the morning_ rather than the middle of the night this time. There was warm sunlight filtering in through the doorway instead of windblown rain and a bitter chill.

And Tsukishima himself… Kuroo hardly recognized him, in the best possible way.

That night nearly six months ago was branded into his memory like a scar. The lightning strikes illuminating the haunted bags under Tsukishima’s eyes, the way his clothes hung soaking from his small frame as he shook like a leaf in the storm, the withdrawn dullness in his gaze. All impossible to forget, no matter how hard Kuroo tried.

This Tsukishima was someone else entirely. His cheeks were flushed a healthy pink that dipped all the way down below the neckline of his t-shirt, a light sheen of sweat across his forehead. His honeysuckle eyes were bright and clear, almost glittering behind his glasses. Also new, Kuroo noted, with thinner silver frames instead of his old thick black ones. They suited him. His hair was closer cropped on the sides than it used to be, but still hung in loose waves across his forehead, a few pieces sticking to the sweat there.

Kuroo knew he lingered too long, just standing there rubbing his eyes over and over again in a complete daze, taking in all of Tsukishima in front of him. He _definitely_ knew that his sleep-addles brain lingered _way_ too long on Tsukishima’s thin legs in those short running shorts of his, but he could hardly be blamed for his social ineptitude given the fact that he had just woken up and was now being faced with all of _this._

Tsukishima smirked and Kuroo might have literally grabbed at his chest to make sure his heart was still beating. He looked happy and healthy and so full of life - everything that Kuroo had hoped for him.

He had run here, Kuroo’s mind belatedly realized. Why had he run - ?

Oh. 

Oh, Kuroo was so, so done for.

“Well?” Tsukishima put an impatient hand on one of his hips, still smirking. “Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

*

**1 Year Later**

“It’s called a _’cool down,’_ Kuroo. Why do you still have so much energy?” Tsukishima complained like he always did, trailing a few steps behind Kuroo, who did, in fact, usually have even more energy after their runs.

“Endorphins, my dear Tsukki.” Kuroo waited for Tsukishima to catch up to him so he could throw an arm around the blonde’s shoulders, not even minding the fact that they were both covered in sweat.

“Ew.” Tsukishima wrinkled his nose, but didn’t pull away. He never really did these days, which just made Kuroo more confident in his casual touches, which led to pretty regular physical contact between them. Kuroo was far from complaining.

“It’s not like you smell like a bed of roses or anything yourself, you know.”

“No one’s making you walk so close to me,” Tsukishima pointed out. He bowed his head slightly when they walked by the old woman at the flower stand that they did every morning they ran. Kuroo nodded his head politely as well. Once they passed her, Kuroo made sure to pull Tsukishima even closer, rubbing their sweaty temples together.

“But you know I just _looooove_ being close to you, Tsukki!” Kuroo crowed, barely ducking out of the way in time to avoid getting Tsukishima’s elbow to the nose.

“Where the hell is your ‘Off’ button?” Tsukishima wiped the side of his face with the back of his hand petulantly.

“Don’t got one. But I have plenty of other fun buttons I can show you.” Kuroo winked exaggeratedly with one eye, then the other, back and forth until Tsukishima’s scowl broke like clouds finally letting the sun shine through and he laughed. A real, genuine laugh. No holding back, no malicious intent - just the way Kuroo liked.

“Please, I haven't even had breakfast yet, there’s nothing in my stomach for me to vomit yet.”

“You’re so cute when you talk about dry heaving.” Kuroo sighed dreamily, making Tsukishima laugh again.

“You’re so annoying when you talk about literally anything,” Tsukishima countered easily.

After almost a year of Tsukishima living in Tokyo again, everything between them came pretty easily. Especially mornings like this; flushed from exertion, muscles burning in the best way, runner’s high coursing through their veins. 

Kuroo never wanted to start his mornings any other way for the rest of his life.

They didn’t run together every morning, they didn’t even have a regular schedule, but they ended up running together most mornings. One of them would simply show up at the other’s door when they felt like running (since it turned out, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s new apartment was barely a mile away from Kuroo’s), and they’d go. Sometimes, by complete coincidence, they’d both decide they wanted to run on the same day, and end up meeting halfway on their way to each other’s places.

Kuroo has noticed a sort of pattern though in their running habits. Usually, Tsukishima wants to run when he’s stressed at work or has a lot on his mind. Kuroo wants to run when he’s feeling restless or is just in a good mood - or when he simply wants to see Tsukishima. (Which was pretty much all the time.)

There was a faint buzzing sound from Tsukishima’s pocket, and Kuroo busied himself looking for weird shapes in the clouds while he answered the call.

“Hm?” Tsukishima paused while he listened to whoever was on the other end, and Kuroo looked over just in time to see him make the most adorably confused and annoyed face-scrunch of all time. “What do you mean? Nothing’s wrong, that’s how I always answer the phone. No. No one has ever - I - Is this really what you called to talk about?”

Tsukishima sighed in exasperation, but it was fond enough that Kuroo knew it could only be one person.

“Is that Yamaguchi?” He asked, distracted from his cloud-watching. “Tell him that Lauren is totally going home this week after last night’s performance.” Tsukishima gave him a flat look that clearly said he was going to be relaying no such message, so Kuroo leaned in closer to the phone and repeated himself more loudly.

“You finished?” Tsukishima asked with an arched brow. Kuroo nodded, satisfied, and let Tsukishima have autonomy of his phone back. “Great. No, I will not tell him that,” Tsukishima directed towards his phone now. “Because I don’t care! Is this about that stupid singing show you guys both watch?”

“It’s a singing _competition,”_ Kuroo corrected him at the same time as Yamaguchi did. Tsukishima rolled his eyes up to the sky.

“I liked you two better when you were in different cities,” he complained, pulling his phone away as Kuroo tried to grab for it again. “Stop, you big child! No, not you Tadashi - but actually, yes, you too. Don’t encourage him.”

“If you watched it too, you wouldn’t feel so left out.” Kuroo told him in a sing-song voice.

“I don’t feel ‘left out’,” Tsukishima huffed. He pushed Kuroo’s hand away when he went to pinch his cheek patronizingly. Tsukishima was really just too cute, and it was even easier to rile him up when Kuroo got Yamaguchi to team up with him.

“Whatever you say, dearest.” Kuroo pat him on the top of his fluffy blonde head.

“You’re not allowed to talk to me again for five minutes,” Tsukishima said. Kuroo pouted, hiding his grin, and looked back up at the sky while the two roommates finished their phone call. “Now, what did you need? Yes, I’ll be home for dinner. I don’t care, I chose last time. That’s fine with me. Okay. Mhm. See you tonight.” Tsukishima hung up the phone with a tiny grin, shaking his head.

“Wha - “

“Five minutes.”

“But - “

“Five. Minutes.”

Kuroo heaved a laborious sigh and crossed his arms behind his head, settling into a slower, quieter pace alongside Tsukishima. He would never admit it to him, but he didn’t mind the times with Tsukishima declared a period of silence between them. Kuroo had a tendency to run his mouth whenever the situation permitted, but it was nice to spend a few minutes not worrying about what to say sometimes.

He spotted seven clouds that he decided reminded him of volleyballs, though it might have just been because they were all vaguely circular in shape, a whale, a guitar, and a wizard’s beard. That last one was maybe a bit of a stretch.

“Okay, you’re done,” Tsukishima finally said.

“Oh, thank god. Do you think that cloud looks like a wizard’s beard?”

*

_“Do you want to run again tomorrow?”_

That was what Tsukishima had asked him after they parted ways the day before, after he informed Kuroo that the cloud looked much more like an ice cream cone to him. Kuroo had tilted his head upside down and had to agree.

The thing was, though, that they never planned what days they were going to run. It wasn’t premeditated, they just woke up and let the day decide for them.

 _“Well, this is new. Miss me so much already that you can’t wait to see me again?”_ Kuroo had teased, hiding how anxious he really was. Tsukishima twisted his fingers together behind his back where he thought Kuroo couldn’t see them. It was a nervous tic of his.

 _“Ha ha,”_ Tsukishima had said sarcastically. _“Actually, it’s… There’s something I want to talk to you about.”_

Kuroo’s stomach had dropped. _There’s something I want to talk to you about_ never meant anything good.

But what was he going to do? Say ‘no’ to Tsukishima? He wasn’t sure he was even capable doing such a thing, so despite the heavy feeling in his gut, Kuroo had agreed.

It kept him up for hours that night.

“Do you want to grab breakfast at the Diner? We can talk there.”

Tsukishima looked up from where his forehead was nearly touching his knees from folding his body practically in half to reach his toes. No matter how many times Kuroo watched him do it, it never failed to make his mouth feel like sandpaper and his skin feel prickly and warm. He was just so long and lean and _flexible._ Tsukishima’s lips pursed into a thoughtful frown, and Kuroo shook his head to dispel those thoughts. Now really wasn’t the time.

“Actually, could we go to your apartment? I’d rather have this conversation in private, and your place is closer than mine.”

“Oh.” Kuroo swallowed past the dread sitting like a rock in his throat. “Sure. No problem.”

The walk back to Kuroo’s place was uncharacteristically quiet. No joking or teasing or banter. It wasn’t like the comfortable kind of quiet that Tsukishima forcibly imposed on them sometimes, it was heavy and awkward and Kuroo had no idea why.

What on earth could Tsukishima have to talk to him about? Did he want to do it in private because it was something bad? Something upsetting? Did he want to do it at Kuroo’s apartment so that he had a way to escape when it was over, instead of being stuck with Kuroo in his own home? 

_Did - Did Tsukishima know?_

Kuroo had tried to be careful since Tsukishima came back. Careful to keep all of the flirting just over-the-top enough to be passed off as a joke, careful not to stare too long at Tsukishima’s mouth when he smiled, careful to never let any of his touches linger or stray beyond what he would do with his other friends. He spent nearly a year being so goddamn careful it nearly killed him because that’s how important making it work with Tsukishima this time was to him, but - 

But had it not been enough? Had Tsukishima seen right through him and finally decided that he’d had enough of Kuroo’s pathetic pining?

“Kuroo? Are you going to unlock the door?” Tsukishima gently bumped their shoulders together to get his attention. Kuroo looked up from the pavement and realized that they were already at his apartment. When the hell did that happen?

“Oh - right, shit.” Kuroo fumbled in his pocket for his keys, jamming them in the lock harder than was strictly necessary to hide the shaking in his hands.

“I’m just going to grab some water. Would you like some?” Tsukishima asked politely. Too politely. Everything between them felt as fragile as black ice, liable to shatter at any moment.

Normally, Kuroo would coo about how sweet Tsukki was, taking care of him like a good, doting girlfriend, or maybe make a joke about how thirsty he was whenever Tsukishima was around, and Tsukishima would blush furiously and pretend to hate it, laughing and stealing one of Kuroo’s favorite granola bars while he was in the kitchen because he knew Kuroo would never chide him for it.

But today wasn’t ‘normally’.

“Yeah. That would be great, thanks.”

When Tsukishima came back, he set the two glasses of water on Kuroo’s coffee table, but instead of sitting next to him on the couch, he started to pace back and forth in front of the TV. It set all of Kuroo’s nerves on edge.

“Tsukki? You’re kinda freaking me out, is everything -?”

“My job offered me a promotion.”

Kuroo’s brain went radio static for a minute.

“Wait - Really? That’s it? Tsukki, that’s amazing! That’s good news, isn’t it?” Kuroo trailed off uncertainly, noticing the way Tsukishima’s eyebrows were still pinched tightly together. He wanted to smooth out the wrinkles on his forehead with a dozen kisses. _Two_ dozen kisses, even. 

“It’s…good,” Tsukishima said slowly. “But there’s a catch, I suppose you could say.”

“What kind of catch?” Kuroo held his breath.

Tsukishima stopped his pacing and faced Kuroo. He’d seen that face on the blonde before. That expression of uncertainty, self-doubt. Eyes vulnerable but body language guarded and closed off. Whatever was going to come next was going to change their lives, Kuroo could feel it.

“Well, they originally offered the promotion to an older, more senior manager, but he turned it down because… Because it requires spending two years in the New York office.”

Boom. Total body implosion.

“Like, America New York?” Kuroo asked dumbly. Nothing was registering in his mind right now.

“America New York,” Tsukishima confirmed. He bit down on his bottom lip and averted his gaze somewhere over Kuroo’s head. “They offered me the position because I have some of the best English skills in the department, and since I’m young and unmarried without any kids…”

“You’re not leaving anything behind.”

_Oh, this hurts. Losing him now is going to hurt more than ever before._

“I don’t know what to do,” Tsukishima said miserably, finally joining Kuroo on the couch. Even sitting next to him right now, Tsukishima already felt too far away.

And then, Kuroo did probably the hardest thing he’d ever done in his life.

Because before Tsukishima moved back to Tokyo and Kuroo got one more in a long line of chances he didn’t deserve, they were only minimal parts of each other’s daily lives - if they could even be considered that at all. The times they actually saw each other in person were few and far between, as were their texts. 

While there was definitely always _something_ between them, it wasn’t really until this past year that Kuroo felt confident in the fact that he could call Tsukishima a friend.

They saw each other almost every day for their runs, talked about their lives with each other. Kuroo always invited him along for dinner with Bokuto and Akaashi, and Tsukishima waited for Kuroo to see every single new superhero movie with him. They were finally, _finally_ real and constant parts of each other’s lives for the first time since they met almost ten years ago.

Thinking about even a week without Tsukishima made something fragile and hollow within Kuroo’s chest ache. Thinking about two years without him was unbearable.

But even more unbearable than that was the thought of holding Tsukishima back.

“I think you should go.”

Tsukishima’s head snapped up from where it had been buried in his hands, glasses pushed up his forehead. He regarded Kuroo with wide, shocked eyes. “What.”

“It’s a really amazing opportunity, Tsukki.” _Don’t go don’t go don’t go._ “A job promotion and a chance to live in the States for two whole years? You never know if you’ll get an offer like that again in your life.” _Don’t go don’t go don’t go please don’t leave me._

The couch shifted beneath them as Tsukishima slowly sat up, straightening his spine and squaring his shoulders, like the raising gates of a tall, tall fortress. 

Oh no. Kuroo knew this look, too.

“You want me to go?” Tsukishima asked sharply, though the way he said it didn’t sound like a question.

_I have literally never wanted anything less in my entire life._

“I think that you should,” Kuroo repeated.

“Okay, well. Great. That’s just great.” Tsukishima stood in jerky movements, grabbing his keys and wallet off the table. “Thanks so much for your help. Really, thanks a lot, Kuroo-san.”

 _Kuroo-san._ So Tsukishima was astronomically pissed, then. He hid it well, he was always a pro at keeping his emotions in check, but anyone who knew him well enough could see that he was barely holding himself back from throttling Kuroo right now. 

Finally, after years of asking him to, Tsukishima had stopped regularly addressing Kuroo so formally, but when he was mad, the honorifics came back. It was like when he was in trouble as a kid and his mother called him by his full name. It triggered the same sort of fear.

“Wait, Tsukki, come on. Don’t leave all angry at me like this.” Kuroo followed Tsukishima to the door, not even ashamed of how desperate he sounded. His begging must have been pathetic enough to get through, because Tsukishima paused with his hand on the doorknob.

If Kuroo hadn’t still been so in shock about Tsukishima’s announcement, he might have noticed the way his hand trembled where it gripped the handle.

“I didn’t say I wouldn’t miss you,” Kuroo said quietly. Maybe more honestly than the situation called for.

Tsukishima sighed and let his head thump gently on the front door. 

“You’re not helping,” he whined, but he seemed less angry now.

Kuroo couldn’t help but laugh at how petulant he sounded. “What did Yamaguchi say when you asked him?”

Tsukishima turned to glare weakly at Kuroo over his shoulder, forehead still pressed against the door. “He said the same thing.”

“Hey, Tsukki?” Kuroo put one hand on the door next to the blonde, tilting his head so he could look Tsukishima in the eye. “Do you think maybe the reason you’re so upset -“

“I’m not upset.”

“- is because you wanted one of us to tell you not to go?”

Tsukishima froze.

“Because maybe…” he continued gently. “You’re a little scared?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Tsukishima snapped weakly, picking his head back up.

Kuroo hesitantly reached out and placed what he hoped was a soothing hand on Tsukishima’s back, right between his shoulder blades. He wasn’t shrugged off, so he took that as his cue to keep going. “It’s okay if you are, you know? Hell, I would be if I was you. I’ve never even left Japan, let alone been to America before, so to just pack up and move across the world all by myself would scare the shit out of me.”

“You’re scared of pigeons, too. Not exactly the best person to set the bar for courage.”

“They are winged demon beasts and you _know_ it!” Kuroo pouted, earning the smallest curve of Tsukishima’s lips. “Don’t try to de-rail me, I’m going somewhere with this.”

“I’m on the edge of my seat.”

“Think of America as the third gymnasium.”

“Okay, you’ve already lost me.”

“Just wait!” Kuroo huffed exasperatedly. “Remember when I first asked you to come practice with me, Bokuto, and Akaashi and you didn’t want to? You were kinda nervous, right? It would have been a lot easier for you to just keep practicing the way you always did and not stray from your usual routine that you love so much.”

“Jury’s still out on whether joining you was a good decision or not,” Tsukishima said. It was honestly like it was physically impossible for him to let Kuroo get through anything without making some sort of sarcastic quip. Damn, if Kuroo didn’t live for it.

“We are the lights of your life and you know it.”

“Akaashi isn’t bad.”

“That is so - Wait, stop distracting me! Regardless of whether or not you admit that the three of us are your best friends -“

“Actually, Yama-“

“Regardless! You can’t deny that practicing with us in the third gym made you a better volleyball player. You started to actually try harder and apply yourself, and it made a big impact on your life, didn’t it?”

Tsukishima turned to face Kuroo more fully, regarding him with intense golden eyes. The movement shifted Kuroo’s hand from the top of his back to the side of his neck, and his palm burned where it touched Tsukishima’s skin, but he didn’t move it.

“Yeah.” Tsukishima said finally. “The third gym had a big impact on my life.”

Something about the way he said it and the look in his eyes sent a shiver up Kuroo’s spine. He knew with that simple sentence, Tsukishima was really saying so much more, and as badly as he wanted to sit them both down and dig into every unsaid word between them, there was something more important he had to do now. For Tsukishima.

“So, just pretend that America is one big, cheeseburger-filled third gym! It’s outside of your comfort zone, I know, but it could be good for you. Really good for you, but you’ll never know if you don’t go. And if you hate it, you can always just quit and come back. Tokyo and all of us will still be here, we aren’t going anywhere. But Tsukki, I really think you’ll regret it if you don’t even give it a try.”

_I just really hope I don’t regret telling you to go._

The space between them was smaller than Kuroo could ever remember it being before. When Tsukishima exhaled, he could feel it cool and sweet across his face. It felt monumental, this moment. Like it was balancing on a wire and could fall to one side or the other at any second. Kuroo caught his breath and he could swear Tsukishima did the same thing.

Without really thinking about it, Kuroo let his fingers curl around the nape of Tsukishima’s neck, carding though the longer strands of blonde hair there. Tsukishima’s eyelids fluttered shut, like he couldn’t bear to watch what happened next.

“You’re really not going to tell me to stay?” He breathed.

Kuroo felt seventeen again, watching Tsukishima climb on that bus back home to Miyagi, letting him believe that all of it had meant nothing to him.

He felt nineteen, watching Tsukishima run down that hill as fast as his legs could carry him away, Kuroo’s careless words branded on his heart.

Felt twenty-two, watching Tsukishima walk away with a man Kuroo thought would be better for him, giving him up without a fight like the coward he was.

Twenty-four, watching Tsukishima’s brother’s car drive further and further away from Tokyo, shattering into pieces and left to pick them all up by himself.

Kuroo closed his eyes, too. It really was unbearable.

“You should go.”

He forced himself to ignore the hurt that flashed in Tsukishima’s eyes, the wetness that started to gather along his lash line, the wilting flower in the cage of his chest. 

Because Tsukishima was almost twenty-four now, and even though Kuroo’s entire world was Tsukishima, Tsukishima’s world was so much wider than that. Tsukishima’s world stretched all the way to the stars and Kuroo had never wanted anything but to see him fly.

*

The day Tsukishima was set to leave for America, Kuroo texted him to see if he needed a ride to the airport. Tsukishima told him that Yamaguchi was already taking him, but thanks for offering. _See you around,_ was the last text he sent, and Kuroo had been laying on his couch with his phone held over his face just staring at it for close to two hours now.

Because it was a lie.

Kuroo wouldn’t see him around, because Kuroo was still in Tokyo and Tsukishima was on a plane that was taking him across the planet. 

Things hadn’t been quite the same between them after Tsukishima left his apartment that day. They still went on their runs, but they didn’t talk or joke around as much as they used to. Tsukishima starting shrugging off his touches like he was fifteen again, and claimed that he was too tired or had already eaten when Kuroo invited him to dinner.

Kuroo felt Tsukishima, along with their precious remaining time on the same continent together, slipping through his hands like water.

Kuroo could barely even remember last night: Tsukishima’s going away party. Not because he’d had too much to drink, in fact he’d barely been able to stomach any alcohol at all. No, it was because he’d literally disassociated his way through the entire evening in order to cope with it, and as a result, he spent his last night in Tokyo with Tsukishima practically blacked out.

Yamaguchi came over after dropping Tsukishima off at the airport. Kuroo didn’t say anything about the redness around his eyes, just stepped aside and let the freckled boy watch dumb reality TV show on his couch for the rest of the day. It was kind of nice to have someone to mourn his loss with, and Yamaguchi was really good about looking the other way whenever Kuroo would start to cry.

“You know,” Yamaguchi said as he was pulling on his coat to leave later that night. “I don’t know if it would have been the right thing to do, but… I feel like it’s important you know that if you had asked him to stay, he would have.”

It doesn’t make Kuroo feel any better. _It doesn’t bring Tsukki back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH ONLY ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFT CAN U BELIEVE ITTTTT
> 
> this was one of the hardest chapters for me to write bc it was the first time i was really ripping an integral part of kuroo's life away from him and OOF let me tell u that shit hurted
> 
> as always, pls comment and tell me what u thought - all of ur comments have been making me so happy!!! 
> 
> and come be my friend on [twitter](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)
> 
> see u next time!


	6. +i.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Welcome home, Tsukki,” Kuroo whispers, lips pressed right against his ear.
> 
> He’d been waiting so damn long to say that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> u guys earned this :')
> 
> (also pls note the rating change and added tags!! *wink wink*)
> 
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)  
> [moodboard](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie/status/1239947702437326848?s=20)

**\+ i.**

**From: Me**  
_hey! i know you’re on a plane right now and won’t get this until you land, but just wanted to give you a heads up about the welcoming committee_

_and by ‘welcoming committee’ i mean bokuto and i made yamaguchi bring us to the airport with him to pick you up!_

_so akaashi and kenma came too_

_also shorty and kageyama and yachi are here_

_don’t be mad, okay? we’re all just really excited to see you!_

_(i’m the most excited tho)_

_okay, see you soon tsukki!_

_i missed you a lot_

*

“I’m gonna throw up.”

“Good idea, I’m sure that’s the first thing Tsukishima will want to see when he gets off a fourteen hour flight.”

“Be nice, Bakageyama! He’s nervous about seeing his crush again!”

“It’s not a _crush,”_ Bokuto corrects the two younger boys very seriously. “Tsukki is Kuroo’s _soulmate.”_

“Woah, no way!” Hinata’s eyes go wide and starry.

Next to Kuroo, Yamaguchi snickers and Akaashi sighs heavily. Kenma is leaning against the wall behind him playing some handheld game.

“I changed my mind. I would like to go home now,” Kuroo informs the only sane members of their group. Well, except for Yachi who was buying a coffee for Tsukishima to give to him when he showed up since he’d been flying all night and probably hadn’t slept very well on the plane.

“Relax, Kuroo.” Akaashi’s calm voice, which usually did wonders for Kuroo’s nerves, only serves to make him more anxious. How could Akaashi be so relaxed right now? How could _any_ of them be acting so normal?

Tsukishima is back.

After two of the longest years of Kuroo’s short life, Tsukishima is finally coming back from America and Kuroo feels like his heart is going to pound right out of his chest.

“Hey, look! Isn’t that him?” Hinata holds onto Kageyama’s shoulders to hoist himself up and see over the crowd.

Kuroo’s stomach jumps into his throat. Holy shit, Tsukishima is going to be so pissed if Kuroo really throws up on him. Like, in a really cute, pouty way.

But sure enough, towering a few centimeters over the rest of the crowd as he usually does, is a very familiar head of soft blonde hair. 

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi calls, but the blonde doesn’t turn their way.

“TSUKKI!!” Bokuto yells even louder, waving his arms excitedly in the air to get his attention. “Tsukki, over here! Look over here, Tsukki!”

Bokuto never had any problems standing out in a crowd, with his broad figure, shock of silver hair, and booming voice. True to form, almost every head in the departures terminal swivels over to look at him, almost all of them in curiosity, but one in particular with a familiar fond annoyance.

“Tsukishimaaaaa!” Hinata is practically hanging off of Kageyama’s back now, holding on with one hand and waving with the other. Tsukishima rolls his eyes as he starts heading over towards them, but he’s smiling. He’s really, really smiling, so big and bright it’s blinding.

_God, how did I survive this long without that smile?_

The excitement spreads through their group like an electric circuit, and before long Kuroo can’t stop himself from shouting and waving along with the other three. And then Akaashi joins in, and Yachi comes back and starts hopping up and down happily, and Kenma puts his game away and Kageyama even smiles.

Tsukishima’s eyes travel around the group, taking each person in one at a time, and when his eyes finally lock with Kuroo’s, he stops right in his tracks.

Kuroo never knew what it was that day that allowed them to have such a silent conversation perfectly in sync, but all he knew was that one moment Tsukishima was still halfway across the room, bags in hand, and the next thing he knew, the blonde had dropped everything to the ground and went running straight into Kuroo’s waiting arms.

“Holy shit,” Kuroo vaguely hears Kageyama mumble. “Bokuto wasn’t lying.”

Kuroo ignores it, ignores everything around him that isn’t Tsukishima in his arms and Tsukishima’s heart pounding right against his and Tsukishima’s nose buried in the juncture of his neck.

“Welcome home, Tsukki,” Kuroo whispers, lips pressed right against his ear.

He’d been waiting so damn long to say that.

*

Kuroo is trying very, very hard not to be weird about this.

It should be easy for them to just slide right back into the friendship they had before Tsukishima left.

Except - as he is every time Kuroo sees him for the first time again - Tsukishima is completely different now and Kuroo is even more completely in love than he knew he could be.

America had changed Tsukishima, just like Kuroo told him it would. He was lighter now. Looser, more relaxed. You could practically see the confidence radiating off of him, from the way he held himself to the easy smiles that Kuroo would never grow tired of being surprised by.

So the reason that Kuroo can’t help but be weird about all of this is because he doesn’t want to be ‘friends’ with Tsukishima anymore. Kuroo wants to goddamn _marry_ him.

He wanted to marry every version of Tsukishima, to be fair, but this one especially. Kuroo could see him building a real life with Tsukishima. Could see them getting a shitty place in the city and fixing it up together, adopting a cat or maybe one day a _kid._ Could see them getting drinks together at happy hour with each other’s coworkers, or their friends from high school. Staying in on rainy nights and marathoning superhero movies with takeout food. Laying in bed for hours on Sunday mornings, mapping each other’s skin with light kisses and eating breakfast after noon.

Kuroo had known what it felt like to lose Tsukishima and get him back before, but it never felt like this.

The only problem was, with everything about Tsukishima that had changed while he was gone, one thing didn’t: the way he acted with Kuroo. Tsukishima was still the same with Kuroo as he was before, which could only mean one thing. He still saw Kuroo as nothing more than a friend.

After everything they’d been through together, Kuroo wasn’t going to complain about that or take it for granted. Being Tsukishima’s friend was one of the best parts of his life, so if he had to keep playing the long game, he would gladly do it. He’d do anything for Tsukishima.

Including driving him to Sawamura and Sugawara’s anniversary dinner party tonight.

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been six years since the Karasuno alumni had tied the knot. They were going to do a big celebration for their five year anniversary last year, but decided to push it off one more year so that Tsukishima to be able to come, too. They insisted that it wouldn’t be a reunion without him, and when Tsukishima had told him about it over the phone, Kuroo could definitely hear him getting a little choked up over it.

There was a private room booked for the event at a fancy restaurant downtown, and as far as Kuroo could tell, practically everyone they played volleyball with back in high school would be there.

He’s excited. He’s nervous.

Kuroo’s just finished putting the final touches on his hair when Tsukishima arrives. He’s twenty minutes late, which is unusual for him, but luckily Kuroo is usually ready late anyways so it works out just fine.

“Oh good, you’re here!” Kuroo throws open the door, just able to make out a flash of blonde hair over the top of the hangers he thrusts out in front of him. “I can’t decide which one to wear; the blue suit with the grey shirt, or the black suit with the red. What do you think, hm?”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Tsukishima says.

“Huh? Are they really that bad?” He turns the hangers to look the outfits over again with a more critical eye. They look okay to him. 

It’s then that he notices Tsukishima isn’t dressed for the event yet, in only a hoodie and jeans, and doesn’t appear to have a change of clothes on him. 

“Wait, why aren’t you ready?”

The look on Tsukishima’s face tells him that he’s not going to like the answer.

“Because I’m not going, Kuroo.”

Something’s wrong. Kuroo can see it in the bruised bags under Tsukishima’s eyes, and the way his hands are tucked into his hoodie sleeves, clenched tightly. “You’re - What? They literally waited a whole year just so you could be there with us all! Are you feeling okay? Here, come inside and we can -”

“Stop!” Tsukishima snaps, squeezing his eyes shut. “Just… Just please, stop it,” he finishes in a small voice.

“Tsukki…” Kuroo says quietly, hesitantly. “Did I do something? Just tell me, I can, I’ll fix it, okay?” He pleads.

“No! No, you didn’t do anything and that’s the problem!” Tsukishima jerks back as Kuroo reaches out for him. Kuroo’s lungs freeze up and he can’t move, can’t speak. Tsukishima takes a deep breath, and Kuroo can see the way he packages up all of his emotions into a tidy little box and stuff them way down deep. It’s a skill Kuroo always thought he was envious of, but right now it looks more painful than he’s ever seen it.

“I told myself before I even got back to Tokyo that things needed to be different this time.”

“I liked the way things were before.” Kuroo’s voice is weak compared to Tsukishima’s. “Why do they need to be different?”

“Because this time I need to finally give up on the childish hope that you might feel the same way about me one day.”

Kuroo’s legs almost give out beneath him.

“Wait - You - What?” His grip goes slack and his nice pressed shirts fall to the floor, but Kuroo doesn’t even have the presence of mind to be bothered about it right now. There’s no way that Tsukishima is saying what Kuroo thinks he’s saying, right?

There’s no - 

There’s no way -

He’s not really about to say -

“It’s been years now, Kuroo, and everything is exactly the same as it was before and I’m just so tired. I’ve been _trying_ for so long to stop feeling this way about you because you’ve made it very clear all along that you don’t feel the same way, and I _knew_ it would just end up hurting me again, but I can’t! I can’t get over you, not like this. I need space, I need time away from you. I’m sorry, I know it isn’t fair of me to ask, but if things keep going the way they are it’s only going to end up worse.”

 _Tsukki, wait -_ Every cell in Kuroo’s body is screaming at him to move, to speak, to do _anything_ but he’s completely frozen in shock. His soul isn’t even attached to his body right now, it feels like he’s floating somewhere outside of the scene watching it all unfold. Like he’s a spectator to one of his dreams. More like a nightmare, really, with the way Kuroo can’t even seem to react.

“I’m sorry,” Tsukishima says again, and - _No. Oh no, no._ A single tears slips down his cheek, and despite his visible best efforts to stop the rest from falling, more tears follow soon after. It breaks Kuroo’s heart, seeing how hard Tsukishima is biting into his lip, trying to maintain his composure, even as he breaks down crying at Kuroo’s door. “I- I’m sorry. I hope we can be - be friends again one day.”

And then, he turns on his heel and runs.

Kuroo watches his back get further and further away, and it’s an all too familiar sight. Watching Tsukishima leave him with his feet firmly rooted to the ground, unable to chase after him.

_No. Not unable._

Kuroo made the conscious decision each and every time Tsukishima left him to just let the blonde go. He had his reasons, of course, ones that helped him believe he was making the right choice. Tsukishima was too young, Kuroo was going back to college, Tsukishima was happy, he needed to go home, Kuroo didn’t want to hold him back. The list of reasons was endless.

He always did what he thought was best for Tsukishima.

But he never let Tsukishima have a say in that choice, did he? He never even asked him how he felt, or what _he_ wanted. 

Could this have been what Tsukishima wanted all along? For Kuroo to finally go after him?

_Shit! Move legs, move! It’s time to finally do something right!_

When he finally takes that first step, it feels like his entire body breaks free from a case of ice that’s been holding him in place for years. Over ten years, now. Freezing him and keeping him from going after the only thing he’s ever wanted.

Tsukishima.

His entire body floods with warmth when the ice cracks and the weight of the situation finally really comes crashing down on him. But it doesn’t make him feel heavy - it makes him feel weightless.

His feet pound across the wooden floors, taking the stairs two at a time as he chases after Tsukishima. He hadn’t realized how long he’d been standing there frozen, because he sees now that Tsukishima got a pretty good head start down the road. Kuroo just runs faster, feels like he could run a thousand miles right now.

_This is what I should have done all along._

Kuroo can’t help but laugh wildly as the thought hits him. He should have done this from Day One, from the very first moment he met Tsukishima. But then, who knows what would have happened to them? They wouldn’t have ended up here, in this moment, as the people they are now with all this history between them.

And maybe Kuroo wouldn’t trade that for the world.

“Tsukki! Tsukki, hold on!” Kuroo shouts. He sees the blonde go still, frantically wiping at his eyes, trying to hide his tears.

_You don’t have to hide anything from me, Tsukki. Not anymore - Never again._

“What -“ Tsukishima starts when Kuroo finally catches up to him, panting with his hands on his knees.

“Hold on! Wait!” Kuroo holds up a hand to stop him. “Don’t say anything else, okay? There’s something I gotta get off my chest.”

Tsukishima looks pained. “Kuroo, I told you, I really can’t -“

“I’ve been waiting over ten years to say this, so you better just shut your pretty little mouth and listen to me, Tsukishima Kei!” Kuroo stands to his full height and points a finger right under Tsukishima’s nose. His eyes go wide with shock, and they just keep getting wider. “I’m in love with you. I loved you when you were fifteen and hated the world, and I loved you when you were seventeen and hated _me_ , and I loved you when you loved somebody else, and I loved you when your heart was broken, and I loved you when you were my closest friend, and I loved you from halfway across the world, and I love you now!”

Kuroo feels a rush of exhilaration as the words leave him, bottled up and hidden in the darkest corner of his heart for so long, finally seeing the light of day.

“What?” Tsukishima snaps. He looks angry now, which is not the reaction Kuroo was expecting, but it’s better than the sad, defeated look he had in his eyes before. Now, they’re sparking with golden flames and if Kuroo wasn’t in love before, he sure would be now. “Are you kidding me? Are you out of your mind? Have you suffered a head trauma recently?”

“Uh, nope?”

“What the hell do you mean you’re in love with me, huh?” Tsukishima takes a step closer and smacks Kuroo on the chest. “Since I was _fifteen?_ You’re a liar, Kuroo. You - You told me - You said it was nothing!”

“You were too young.”

“And when I was seventeen, you told me you didn’t miss me! That when you were at college you forgot all about me!”

“To be fair, I didn’t actually say that I forgot about _you_ explicitly.”

“You - You ass!” Tsukishima hits him again, and Kuroo just stands there and takes it. “And then - And then -“

“And then you got a boyfriend,” Kuroo supplies.

“Don’t you dare turn this around on me,” Tsukishima bites. “You - You practically packed my bags for me and put me on the plane yourself when I got offered the position in America! You couldn’t get me out the door fast enough!”

“It was an incredible opportunity for you!” Kuroo finds himself starting to raise his voice back, but he isn’t angry. He doesn’t even think Tsukishima is anymore, either. It just feels good to finally scream and get this all of their chests. Even if it is in the middle of his neighborhood on a Sunday afternoon.

“You never said anything!”

“Neither did you! Technically, you still haven’t!”

“Kuroo, I am so fucking in love with you that I hate you!”

“Fuck!”

And then they’re kissing.

As far as first kisses go, Kuroo is pretty sure this is the greatest of all time.

It isn’t perfect, not by any means. It’s messy, a little frantic and crazed, and Tsukishima still tastes salty from his tears and Kuroo might be laughing a little bit and Tsukishima is biting him to make him stop but it just makes Kuroo laugh even more. It’s a mess. Oh god, they’re such a mess and Kuroo _loves_ it.

“Stop laughing,” Tsukishima whines, nose pressed into Kuroo’s cheek. His glasses are digging into Kuroo’s face painfully, but he couldn’t care less.

“I can’t help it! I’m happy!” Kuroo squeezes Tsukishima tightly around the waist and lifts him in the air, spinning him in a circle. He’s light enough and Kuroo is in love enough that he doesn’t put the blonde back down again.

Tsukishima runs his fingers through Kuroo’s bangs, brushing them out of his face and smiles fondly down at him. “Ridiculous,” he whispers softly, ducking down to press a quick kiss to the center of Kuroo’s exposed forehead.

“But I’m _your_ ridiculous,” Kuroo beams up at him. Between the tender look on Tsukishima’s face right now and the forehead kiss, it’s amazing that he’s even still standing right now and not a shapeless puddle of goo on the sidewalk.

“I’ll be sure to save the receipt.” Tsukishima’s words are contrasted by the kisses he continues to pepper across Kuroo’s face.

“Hey, Tsukki?”

“Hm?”

“Should we maybe, uh, get off the sidewalk?”

Tsukishima blinks his eyes open, looking around like he’s just now realizing where they are. Then, he tips his head back and laughs. “Oh my god, I totally forgot you let me get this far, you idiot!”

Kuroo just kisses the exposed hollow of Tsukishima’s throat before setting him back on the ground. “I never will again. Now, come on.” He takes the blonde’s hand. “We have a party to get to and I’m thinking about asking this total hottie I know to be my date.” He waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh?” Tsukishima raises his eyebrows back, but they’re a lot less joking than Kuroo’s. A lot hungrier. It makes his mouth go dry. “Well, what if this ‘total hottie’ of yours had some plans of his own and suggested that you guys show up to the party a little late?”

With Tsukishima’s hand still held firmly in his, Kuroo takes off at a run towards his apartment. Tsukishima laughs and lets Kuroo pull him along, both of their feet hitting the pavement in perfect time with each other.

Finally - _finally_ \- in sync.

*

_”You’re different from the rest of them, aren’t you?”_

Kuroo remembers the first words he ever spoke to Tsukishima Kei like the life-altering moment happened just yesterday. He hadn’t thought much of it at the time. He had noticed the blonde middle blocker from across the net, of course. He was tall and smart and had obvious untapped potential - plus, maybe Kuroo found him to be more than a little cute.

But he didn’t really start to fall until after the practice match.

It was the first time the current Karasuno and Nekoma teams had ever met, and the resulting budding friendships/rivalries were chaotic and explosive. That’s just what happens when you throw a bunch of high school boys in a gymnasium together and let them get all high on endorphins and friendly competition.

Kuroo had been laughing to himself while watching Kenma get harassed by Karasuno’s super intense setter when he noticed one person standing off to the side. In the midst of a hurricane of activity, Kuroo was somehow drawn to the calm, quiet eye of the storm. There was something about Tsukishima that he didn’t understand at the time, and maybe he still didn’t to this day, but it always drew him in.

 _“I better be,”_ Tsukishima replied haughtily, and Kuroo was hooked.

Looking back on that day now, Kuroo can hardly believe how far they’ve come. Never in a million years would he have guessed that the adorable, standoffish Karasuno player would one day become the person he loves so much, it consumes every thought in his head, every second of his day, every cell in his body.

Never in a million years would he have guessed that one day he would have Tsukishima Kei in his bed.

“Kuroo?” Tsukishima huffs fondly underneath him. “You’re just staring at me again.” He trails fingers up Kuroo’s arms that cage him between them and tangle them in his hair, insistently tugging to pull Kuroo into another kiss.

“Sorry, sorry,” Kuroo laughs, ducking down and granting him a quick peck that makes Tsukishima pout for more. “I’m just trying to savor the moment.”

“There will be plenty of time to savor all the moments you want in the future,” Tsukishima promises with soft eyes, brushing Kuroo’s hanging hair out of his face so they can see each other more fully. “But right now, I don’t think I can wait any longer.”

Well. Alright then.

Kuroo really always has been so, so weak for a certain blonde Karasuno first year.

They stop with the talking and get back to the kissing real quick after Tsukishima’s declaration. If Kuroo’s being honest, he’s not sure how much longer he could wait, either. Getting to kiss Tsukishima and touch him like this, to slide his hands beneath the loose fabric of his t-shirt and feel the sharp dips carved into his hipbones and the way his stomach trembles when Kuroo trails light fingertips across it, is more intoxicating than a mere mortal like Kuroo could ever resist. If getting drunk was even half as good for Kuroo as this feeling was, he would have become an alcoholic long ago.

Despite the determined way they hurtle towards their ultimate goal, their movements are anything but rushed. They’re purposeful, without wasting a single second, and Kuroo knows it’s because they’ve both imagined this so many times before. They know exactly what they want.

Tsukishima’s hands slide between knotting themselves in Kuroo’s hair and squeezing the flexing muscles of his biceps as he holds himself up over the blonde. His fingers dig into the flesh of Kuroo’s arms and he moans appreciatively into Kuroo’s mouth.

“Maybe I should have had you fuck me against the wall,” he taunts, though he doesn’t sound like he’s joking at all.

“Next time,” Kuroo agrees. Tsukishima moans again, hands going back to Kuroo’s hair and tugging hard.

“Deal,” he whispers, before slotting their lips back together hungrily.

Distantly, Kuroo is aware of the fact that he’s kissed other people in his life besides Tsukishima. There were flings in college, and plenty of hook ups with hot people he took home from clubs when Bokuto forced him to go out with him on occasion. But right now, he can’t remember a single one of those people.

There have been other lips against his, but they all completely cease to exist when Tsukishima’s soft, pliant ones open up beneath him. There have been other tongues in his mouth, but none of them tasted as sweet and heady, like strawberry wine, the way Tsukishima’s does. There have been other teeth tugging playfully at his bottom lip, but Tsukishima is the only one who followed it up with a gentle kiss and a breathy laugh that made Kuroo’s heart beat in love.

There were other people before Tsukishima, but really, there weren’t.

There was always only Tsukishima for him, since he was seventeen years old and dumb enough to let him go.

“I love you,” Kuroo says. Tsukishima pulls back from where he had been sucking kisses into Kuroo’s neck, eyes wide and vulnerable like he’s hearing it again for the first time, glasses slightly askew on the bridge of his nose. Kuroo’s chest floods with so much warmth and fondness he thinks it might come leaking out of him. “I love you, Tsukki, I really do.”

Tsukishima rolls his eyes, but he’s blushing and grinning bigger than Kuroo has ever seen.

_I did that. I put that smile on his face, and I’ll do everything I can to keep it there for the rest of our lives._

“I love you, too… Tetsurou.”

Kuroo’s heart stops.

Holy - Holy _shit._

“Does that…” Kuroo starts hesitantly, biting his lip. “Does that mean that I can…?”

Tsukishima squishes his cheeks between his palms and kisses his nose. “Go for it, killer.”

Kuroo takes a deep breath, forcing his heart to restart. 

“I love you… Kei.”

They both freeze, staring at each other with eyes blown wide. That felt…momentous.

Kuroo can’t stop the incredulous laugh that bubbles out of him. He leans down until their noses are brushing and places one sweet kiss, then a second, then a third on Tsukishima’s lips.

“I really liked saying that.”

“I really liked when you said it,” Tsukishima admits. His hands grab loosely at the hem of Kuroo’s shirt and he looks up at him with searching eyes.

 _Yes,_ Kuroo tells him with his eyes. Tsukishima could ask him for anything in the world and _yes_ would be his answer every time - but especially this time.

He takes over for Tsukishima, grabbing the collar of his t-shirt and pulling it over his head. He lets himself preen a little as Tsukishima’s eyes darken and trail across every inch of his upper body before gently easing Tsukishima’s glasses off his face and setting them on the bedside table, sitting back so Tsukishima can lift his shoulders off the bed and he can pull the blonde’s shirt off as well.

When he leans back down, letting the length of their bare chests meld together, it feels like the temperature of the entire room jacks up about thirty degrees. There’s a new fervor to their movements, a little more desperate and messy like their first kiss on the sidewalk had been. Kuroo loses himself in it, brain going fuzzy with nothing but the feeling of Tsukishima’s flushed skin pressed against his, their heartbeats thumping against each other, their kisses getting deeper and wetter, tongues searching like they’ll never get this chance again.

But - and this is the craziest part of all to Kuroo, the thing that keeps his heart pounding like a jackhammer and his head feeling so light he thinks it might float right off his body - they _will_ get another chance to do it again.

_Hopefully in the very, very near future._

Tsukishima hooks one leg around Kuroo’s waist, pulling their bodies even closer together, arching his back into a lovely bow and pushing up against Kuroo’s body. Kuroo can feel how hard the blonde is getting, and it only reminds him of his own impatience. 

He hesitates.

For as long as they’ve known each other, for as long as they’ve both wanted this, it’s still new, isn’t it? They just had their first kiss, what, a few minutes ago? It is too greedy of Kuroo to keep taking even more?

“Tetsurou,” Tsukishima says quietly, drawing Kuroo’s attention back to him. The blonde smiles reassuringly, like he can read Kuroo’s mind, and kisses him slow and deep and with _very_ clear intention. “We’ve waited long enough, don’t you think?”

And that’s all Kuroo needs to hear.

He always imagined laughing during sex would ruin the mood, but when Kuroo tries to pull Tsukishima’s skinny jeans down his legs and gets stuck at his feet, then yanks hard and ends up tumbling off the bed with the jeans held triumphantly in hand, it only makes him want to ravage the blonde more when Tsukishima ends up red-faced, rolling around on the bed giggling helplessly at him.

He gives himself a few moments to stand at the foot of the bed and simply watch Tsukishima. To admire the way his pale skin, flushed pink at his chest, contrasts with the dark red comforter of Kuroo’s bed. The sharp lines of his collarbones and hips, his long, creamy legs tangled together as he twists this way and that with his laughter. His blonde hair splayed across Kuroo’s pillow like a golden halo.

Yeah, he could get used to a sight like this.

Suddenly, Tsukishima stops laughing, looking up at him with a teasing click of his tongue. “Again, with the staring.” He plants his feet on the bed and loosely parts his knees. Kuroo’s mouth goes dry.

Tsukishima’s sharp squeal of surprise when Kuroo pounces on top of him quickly morphs into a low groan as he situates himself between the blonde’s legs and rolls his hips down so that the only thing separating their hard-ons is the thin fabric of their boxers.

“That - That’s more like it,” Tsukishima pants. Kuroo thinks it’s quite bold of him to still have such a smart mouth when he’s clutching at Kuroo’s back with biting nails that are surely drawing blood right now.

God, he’s so hopelessly in love with that smart mouth.

Everything starts to spiral from there, and even if he could, Kuroo wouldn’t have wanted to stop it.

As Kuroo continues to grind down between the blonde’s spread legs, Tsukishima starts to get _loud._ He’s making sounds Kuroo never even imagined him making in his wildest, dirtiest dreams. Moaning and cursing and _whining_ like they’re the only things he knows how to do anymore. 

Kuroo loves them, can’t get enough of them. Tries to hungrily swallow them all up with his lips crushed against Tsukishima’s, but then decides that method isn’t allowing the blonde to be quite as loud as he could be, so instead he changes tactics and busies his mouth with Tsukishima’s neck and chest instead, sucking mottled red hickies while pleasure-filled screams echo through the room.

“Shi- _it,_ Tetsurou!” Tsukishima gasps when Kuroo travels down his chest and wraps his lips around a perked nipple, flicking the tip of his tongue teasingly over it. “I’m gon - I’m gonna - _fuck!”_ His fingers wind into Kuroo’s hair and tug him off sharply. Kuroo licks his lips and looks down at the flushed blonde curiously.

“Sorry, did that hurt? Are you okay?”

Tsukishima’s chest is heaving, flushed strawberry red, an arm thrown across his eyes while his knees tremble around Kuroo’s waist.

“Fuck,” he exhales on a laugh. “Did that hurt, he asks me. Did that _hurt?_ Jesus, Tetsurou, you really are something else.”

“It didn’t hurt?” Kuroo asks, still not totally convinced since Tsukishima has yet to uncover his face and Kuroo can’t see what expression he’s making. He presses a gentle kiss to the inside of one of Tsukishima’s knees while the blonde continues to catch his breath.

“I was trying not to come yet, you big idiot.” Tsukishima finally pulls his arm away. His pupils are blown and glassy, cheeks bright red, and a blissed out grin stretches his lips.

Fuck, that might be the hottest thing Kuroo’s ever heard in his life. Even with the part where he was called a ‘big idiot’.

“Oho,” he grins, holding one of Tsukishima’s legs in place so he can press another kiss to it, this time to his inner thigh. He leaves his mouth close so that his lips continue to brush against the soft skin there when he talks. “So it really _didn’t_ hurt? You’re just sensitive, aren’t you, Kei?”

Tsukishima shivers beneath him.

“Don’t sound so smug about it,” he grumbles, averting his eyes from where Kuroo gazes up at him hungrily between his legs.

“Awww, you don't have to be embarrassed about it, baby. I think it’s cute.” He kisses the inside of Tsukishima’s thigh again, this time with just a hint of teeth.

“I’m going to crush your head between my legs if you don’t stop teasing me.”

“Promise?” Kuroo purrs, and that surprises a laugh out of Tsukishima. 

Of all the sounds he’s heard the blonde make tonight, that’s still his favorite one.

“Yup, congratulations, that joke has successfully put me back in the safe zone again.”

Kuroo crawls back up Tsukishima’s body, using his own to press the blonde down into the mattress. He hears Tsukishima’s breath catch in his throat as he grazes his lips over the shell of his ear.

“Wanna see if I can get you back in the danger zone again?”

With an enthusiastic agreement from his partner, Kuroo hooks his fingers into the waistband of Tsukishima’s boxers, taking his time to slide the material down the blonde’s endless legs, pressing appreciative kisses to the smooth skin as he goes. Then, he shimmies his own boxers down his hips, and once again, can’t help but feel a little puffed up with pride when he sees the way Tsukishima is looking up at him.

Kuroo has certainly never had any complaints about his dick, but he can’t recall a time he ever had someone look at it with as much raw need as Tsukishima was right now. It made him impossibly more eager to get it inside of the blonde, to show him what he could really do.

“Next time,” Tsukishima licks his lips, “I’m gonna blow you.”

Kuroo’s dick twitches in excitement.

“Is that before or after I fuck you against the wall?”

Tsukishima shrugs. “I’ll have to see what I’m feeling in the moment.”

“Please keep me updated.”

“You’ll be the first to know.” Tsukishima’s serious expression splits into a grin and Kuroo _needs_ to kiss it.

The first press of their naked bodies together sets every nerve of Kuroo’s skin on fire. The kisses burn more dangerously, like a wildfire, and Kuroo doesn’t think he can breathe anymore unless it’s the oxygen traded between his and Tsukishima’s mouths.

It’s not much longer before Tsukishima is mumbling against his lips, “Lube?”

“Hm?” Kuroo blinks down at him. “Oh, uh, drawer right next to your head. Condoms should be in there, too.” Tsukishima hums in acknowledgement, letting Kuroo continue to kiss down his neck while he reaches over to grab the items.

“Dry spell?” He teases. Kuroo pulls back, confused, then sees the half-empty bottle of lube and…the completely untouched box of condoms in Tsukishima’s hands.

“Ha ha,” he says sarcastically, grabbing them both out of Tsukishima’s hands. But in all honesty… “It’s been…a while.”

Tsukishima’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really? I mean, not that it’s a bad thing, just - You’re - Well - “ He gestures vaguely to Kuroo’s entire being.

“Aw, I’m flattered,” he coos, earring himself a light slap on the chest. “It’s not that I haven’t had the chance or anything, I was just…” He trails off, embarrassed. Is this too much for one night? Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything.

“You were just what?” Tsukishima breathes, blinking quickly.

“I was…” _Fuck it._ “I was waiting.”

Kuroo doesn’t have time to be embarrassed or even watch for Tsukishima’s reaction, because as soon as the words leave his mouth he’s being yanked forcefully into a bruising kiss.

“How can - “ Tsukishima cuts himself off to kiss Kuroo again, like he can’t physically stop himself. “How can you just say things like that, huh? How can you just - You’re fucking _shameless,_ you fucking sap, fuck, I love you so much.”

“It’s - It’s okay?” Kuroo asks, slightly dazed from the onslaught of kisses. “I mean, it’s not weird or like, creepy or anything?”

Tsukishima pauses his kisses to pull back and look up at Kuroo thoughtfully. With the hand that he isn’t using to cup Kuroo’s cheek, he takes Kuroo’s hand in his own and guides it down his body, lower, lower until…

Kuroo stop breathing completely, letting Tsukishima maneuver his hand until the tip of his pointer finger is brushing against the pucker of his entrance. Then, Tsukishima starts to push it in and - 

Kuroo gasps.

“Fuck, _Kei,_ shit, you’re so fucking tight, oh my god.”

“I’d be a hypocrite if I said you were weird for waiting for me,” Tsukishima whispered shakily against his lips, eyelids fluttering.

Kuroo wants to laugh, wants to cry, wants to punch something really hard when he thinks of all the time they both wasted waiting for each other when they could have been doing _this_ all along.

They have a lot of lost time to make up for.

But right now, they don’t actually have much time at all.

“We are gonna be _soooo_ late.”

Tsukishima’s nose scrunches up cutely in disgust. “Can we please not talk about Daichi and Suga right now. They’re like, my older brothers, basically.”

“That’s really adorable and I’m totally gonna tell them you said that so they forgive us for being late.” Kuroo kisses the tip of Tsukishima’s nose and ignores his protests.

“I will literally deny everyth - _ahhhh.”_ Tsukishima’s words break off into a breathy moan as Kuroo sneakily presses the first lubed up finger inside of him. “Oh god, oh shit.”

Kuroo buries a grin in Tsukishima’s shoulder before sitting back a little so he can get a better angle and watch the way his finger disappears inside the blonde’s hole.

It’s kind of really fucking mesmerizing.

And it only gets better as Kuroo slowly works him open, adding one more finger, then another. Tsukishima takes them all beautifully, back arching off the bed and lips spilling the filthiest, prettiest sounds Kuroo’s ever heard.

“Now,” Tsukishima demands when Kuroo can comfortably curl three full fingers inside of him. “Now, now, now,” he chants.

There are probably about a hundred reasons why it’s inappropriate to think about it in this moment, but for a brief second there Kuroo’s mind supplies him with memories of their first Tokyo training camp with Karasuno. He remembers watching Tsukishima from across the gym, so lovely and unknown to Kuroo, so horribly out of reach.

And he remembers Akaashi’s warning.

_Careful._

Despite Tsukishima’s pleading and the impatient pull of his body, Kuroo is.

He’s careful when he situates Tsukishima’s legs over his shoulders, and he’s careful when he kisses the insides of each of his ankles in turn.

He’s careful when he lines himself up with Tsukishima’s hole, adding more lube just to be sure he won’t hurt the blonde, and he’s careful when he slowly pushes every inch in.

He’s careful when he wipes away the tears leaking from the corners of Tsukishima’s eyes, and careful when he wraps secure arms around his trembling body and whispers that _it’s okay, you can cry, love, it’s okay, I’ve got you now._

He is, perhaps, less careful than he could be when he starts thrusting into Tsukishima in earnest, but he blames a large part of that on the way Tsukishima’s warm heat seems to suck him in further every time, and the way the blonde himself starts to roll his hips to meet Kuroo’s thrusts, pushing him in that much deeper.

“Kei, Kei, I _love_ you, I love you so goddamn much.”

“I - I love - _ah!”_

Kuroo stops thrusting to watch in wonder as Tsukishima’s body shudder apart beneath him, legs shaking violently where they’re still slung over Kuroo’s shoulders, flushed dick jumping and twitching against the hollow of his hip helplessly. It’s not quite enough, Kuroo realizes, and picks up his thrusting again while also wrapping a lube-slick hand around Tsukishima’s length and tugging sharply.

And that, evidently, is the blonde’s final undoing, as he comes in white ropes across his own stomach.

Kuroo stops again, giving Tsukishima as long as he needs to catch his breath, but barely even a moment later he’s urging Kuroo with a sweet whisper of, _”Keep going.”_

It doesn’t take more than a few more thrusts for Kuroo to follow suit, spilling for what feels like hours into the condom and the collapsing on top of Tsukishima, more spent and sated than he’s ever been in his life.

He’s brought back to the real world by a finger digging into his ribs.

“Heavy,” Tsukishima groans. Kuroo laughs and rolls off of him, both of them cringing at the mess smeared between their stomachs.

“Lovely,” Kuroo comments, wrinkling his nose and wrapping his arms around Tsukishima despite it.

He lets his eyes slip shut for just a few moments, basking in the warmth of Tsukishima’s body curled up against his and the molten feeling in his muscles. It takes him a few belated seconds to realize that Tsukishima’s long, skilled fingers are gently massaging the muscles of his upper arms.

“Thanks,” he grunts, pressing a blind kiss somewhere into the soft blonde curls at the top of Tsukishima’s head.

“Mmm,” Tsukishima hums. “We’re gonna be so late.”

“Fuuuck,” Kuroo groans, scrubbing a hand over his face. As badly as he wants to just lay here forever with Tsukishima and never move again (until Round Two, that is), he knows that the leeway their friends will be willing to give them over this incident can only stretch so far. 

“Do you think they’re all gonna know?” Tsukishima asks, but he doesn’t sound too worried about it.

Kuroo looks at the watercolor painting of love bites scattered across Tsukishima’s neck and chest and stifles a laugh. Tsukishima is going to kill him when he finally sees himself in a mirror. _Totally worth it, though._

“Yeah. Yeah, I think they’re gonna know.” He sighs, nudging Tsukishima’s temple with his nose. “Guess we gotta get moving, then.”

“Unless you want to incur the wrath of Suga, we’d really better.”

Kuroo shudders. “Yeah, no thanks, I’m good. I have my own very pretty and very terrifying man to be afraid of, I don’t need Sawamura’s, too.”

Tsukishima snorts a delicate laugh, extracting himself from Kuroo’s arms and dragging a hand over his stomach with a wince. “I need to shower again.”

Kuroo stretches his arms over his head, letting himself enjoy the sight of Tsukishima padding around his room in all his slender, pale, naked glory.

“Feel free to use whatever you want. There’s an extra towel in the bathroom closet.”

Tsukishima hums to himself, and Kuroo watches with all sorts of emotions fluttering around in his chest and the blonde walks away, stopping in the doorway and turning back with an expectant eyebrow raised.

“Aren’t you coming?”

A low heat starts simmering in his blood as his body takes clear interest at the invitation, but the arousal in his gut is nothing compared to the swelling of his heart and the helpless smile that overtakes his face.

_As if I’d ever make the mistake of not following after you ever again._

Kuroo jumps out of bed and scrambles after him faster than he’s probably ever moved that soon after sex in his life. Tsukishima shrieks when Kuroo wraps his arms around his waist and throws him over his shoulder, but it dissolves into laughter not even a second later.

He was right - Tsukishima _is_ mad when he looks in the mirror and sees the marks Kuroo left on him, but it only lasts a brief moment because before he can stop himself, Kuroo is adding to the collection.

They can’t help themselves from getting a little…distracted in the shower, and end up taking a lot longer than they planned. Kuroo blames Tsukishima for inviting him in the first place, but Tsukishima blames it on Kuroo groping his ass while he was trying to shampoo his hair.

Which, well. Kuroo can’t deny that one.

By the time they finally manage to get out of the shower and check their phones for the first time since…well…in a while, they’re even later for the party than either of them even realized.

“Twenty-three missed call from Bokuto,” Kuroo announces, toweling his hair dry with one hand and scrolling through his phone with the other.

“Fifty-two from Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima responds somberly. Kuroo whistles low.

“Impressive.”

Tsukishima shrugs like he’s used to it and tosses his phone back onto the bed without responding, so Kuroo follows his lead. They can deal with all of their friends at once together when they get there.

Right now, there’s something else he needs to do. Something he should have done a long, long time ago.

“Tsukki?”

Tsukishima hums, not commenting on the fact that Kuroo has switched back to his nickname. He’s always wanted to freedom to switch back and forth between them whenever he wanted, and he was gonna abuse the heck out of that power for as long as he was allowed.

“I’m sorry.”

The blonde pauses, fingers stopping at the button they were currently doing up. Since he hadn’t brought his own change of clothes, Kuroo was letting him borrow the blue-suit option. It’s a little too big on his slender frame, but Kuroo likes the way Tsukishima looks wearing his clothes.

“Kuroo, you don’t have to apologize for - “

“Will you let me though?” Kuroo interrupts quietly, stepping closer to take Tsukishima’s hands in his. After a short pause, the blonde nods. “I’m sorry I let you go so many times.” 

Kuroo’s hands tighten around Tsukishima’s so hard he thinks it must be painful at this point, but the blonde doesn’t even flinch. 

Instead, he just looks at Kuroo with so much love that it makes every bone in his body ache.

_Wouldn’t you kill to have someone look at you like that?_

“It’s okay, Kuroo. I always came back to you, didn’t I?”

Kuroo also ends up being 100% right about everyone at the party knowing exactly why they showed up to Sugawara and Sawamura’s anniversary dinner nearly three hours late. Luckily, they’re all so happy for them that no one can really find it in themselves to be that angry about it. 

After all, Kuroo and Tsukishima waited longer than anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ew i don't wanna get all sappy or emotional but im rly sad this is over :(((
> 
> i just want to genuinely thank each and every person that read this fic and let it into ur hearts. this was my first haikyuu work, and i was a little nervous about posting it, but all of u have been so supportive and ur comments have made me so happy and rly made the entire process 10000x better
> 
> okay i love u guys, pls sleep soundly at night knowing that our boys r finally happy <3
> 
> and come be my friend on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading ill see you all soon ;)
> 
> let me know what you thought in the comments and don't forget to come be my friend on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/oiiblondie)


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